I'm Not Over It

… but I will be.

As much as I would love to be untouchable by the psychological nullity of male-kind and their irritatingly inconsistent tendencies, I am not.

Alas, I am just a girl.

An amazingly, quintessential one at that, but still human.

I would like to think I’m pretty good at picking up signals. If a guy isn’t interested I’m out of there, I don’t continuously text and love bomb in hopes they’ll stick around. I’m big about reciprocating the energy that is being shown to you.

It’s like you’re trying to put premium gasoline in a tank that requires regular. Yeah sure the car will run for a while, but over time that gasoline will oxidize and cause damage to your fuel lines.

Yes I had to google that, I know nothing about cars.

The same can be said with putting effort into someone that isn’t emotionally in a place to accept that love or affection you so desperately want to show them.

There are a multitude of different ways to go about this and unfortunately the biggest thing I see in this scenario is people will often try and give enough effort for both partners. While this may work for a while, that is in way how to foster a healthy relationship.

I could understand a scenario where you’ve been with the person for years and they need your love and support due to extraneous circumstances out of their control, but where I most frequently witness this behavior is in the coveted ~situationship~

The thing with being in this stage of relationship is that neither partner has made any sort of commitment to you, you’re not exclusive, you’re not dating.

Theoretically any time you hang out could be the last time you do so.

The last time you kissed them.

The last goodbye hug.

The last any thing.

Which is why communication is SO important.

I know there are a lot of people out there that want to play it cool and act like your feelings aren’t that deep.

Maybe it’s adding the word kind’ve before the ‘miss you’ text...

...Or waiting a little longer to text back, even though you want to talk to them at that moment.

Here’s the thing to note: If someone truly cares and wants to be with you, they will NEVER be turned off when you show any kind of emotion.

Worried it will scare them off? Good riddance.

That will happen regardless. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for a confession of love after the first date. You do need time to actually get to know the person you're seeing. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with communicating that you enjoy having someone in your life and are looking forward to seeing where it goes.

What if they pull back? Well it’s better now than five months in the future.

While I do believe things take time, I know I personally take a while to open up to someone to show that level of vulnerability.

I dated a guy for nine months and still never told him I loved him. That’s not to say I didn’t have love for him, I just wasn’t ready to show that level of emotion, and in that circumstance I never got there.

Which is so okay!

There are people you meet in different seasons of life and all serve a purpose, no matter how small.

I have never been one to force a relationship or talk someone into something. That's not to say I don't believe in asking questions in regards to where certain thoughts/feelings are coming from. Clarity and closure are so very valid, and oftentimes needed (depending on the person).

But you also have to be prepared to maybe not like the answers to those questions.

I personally, despite not fully having closure, am not of the opinion that knowing more will do any good. I could be wrong (but I rarely am).

Sometimes you just need to call your friend, sit in a Target parking lot crying to a song about ‘not seeing the point in sticking around’, buy yourself flowers and move on with your life.

In high school I spent the better half of a year pining after a guy that literally treated me like three day leftovers:

You don’t want to throw them out because there’s a chance you might want them, even though deep down you know you’re going to DoorDash some Taco Bell.

This is not that.

I've grown A LOT since I was an eighteen year-old that had never had her first kiss. In this growth I've come to realize that I don't want someone that doesn't want me. That I'm not going to hope and pray they come back.

Even if they did, they chose to leave. Regardless of the reason, it was a choice.

I had my initial sad girl moment, and my friends witnessed me go through the stages in grief in real time.

Denial. Anger. Acceptance.

I'll tell you what, that twenty-four hours was a roller-coaster of emotions.

The texts I wrote and didn't send, probably all for the best.

I think it hit me hardest when I saw his car sitting outside my house and I was hoping he would come back.

He didn’t.

And that’s so okay.

****pause for a brief intermission while I tear up in this coffee shop ****

Those feelings, while feel so enormously, exponentially shitty, are what showed you cared.

To quote a good friend of mine:

“It happened and it mattered.”

For a long time after all I went through (cancer, breakup, losing my hair) I wasn’t fully sure I could open up to a person in the context of a romantic relationship.

***I specify that because my friends can attest to my big mouth and chronic oversharing***

Who’s going to look at a girl with the hair of a toddler and say, “Her. That’s who I want”.

And honestly a lot of that stems from a deep-seeded root of insecurity, but I’m aware of it. It's something I'm actively working towards and acknowledging that is the first step. I also do know that I deserve love and all the happiness in the world, but just like you (my lovely readers) I’m imperfect and I struggle.

While I don’t feel the best now, I feel better than I did yesterday, and will continue to do so. By no means am I unhappy. I still love life so effervescently it's to the point where I am notoriously for doing what I want when I want, no matter how rash and impractical it may seem.

Another point:

I also do want to be in a relationship, to find that person to go through life with.

Kicking ass and taking names.

It’s just hard when you begin to open up to the idea that maybe this person you meet is capable of that… Only to disappoint you.

And that’s not to bash on anyone, a person needs to do what’s best for them, but you can call it what it is.

Unfair.

There gets to a point where you’re seeing someone and you know it’s more than sex and more than fun.

Even if you don’t end up dating, there are feelings there.

When they’re asking for your favorite breakfast because they want to make it for you.

Facetiming you at the ball drop, wishing you were there.

Making care packages for the airport.

Telling you how much they miss you.

When you’re doing things like that, I don’t care what you both ‘label it’. It’s more than something casual. It fosters a false sense of intimacy and (in my opinion) isn’t something that should be done when there isn’t that commitment attached.

That’s more than nothing, but maybe less than something.

Sometimes we get caught up in the dopamine of being on the receiving end of those things.

It doesn’t matter if you’re polyamorous or asexual. We all love to feel loved.

It’s intoxicating to know someone thinks about you when you’re not around. That they genuinely care to know those little things about your day. Honestly, half the battle is accepting that in order to achieve those real connections it requires starting all over again, and that’s scary. To think you got to know someone and they saw your quirks, clumsiness and whack ass, sparse patches atop your head you call hair.

And then they left. They saw you for who you really were and decided their life was better off without you. 

As cynical as that may sound, that is the definition of a breakup.

At some level you decide that your life is better off without that person. Which is tough with any loss, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship.

Which also is valid, not everyone is meant to be in each other's life.

What do you do next? Your best to move on, that’s all you can do. I refuse to be complacent in hopes that someone else will MAYBE do something. That’s living your life on the precipice of others and not personally something I want and/or need in mine.

I actually went on a date last night.

It was fine, nothing special, and no intention of seeing him again.

Not even sure I am actually ready to jump on that horse again, but I have 50+ likes in my Hinge cache, and more free time on my hands. So we will see.

Regardless of the outcome, it was a step, and that’s all anyone can do. Take steps forward. 

Don’t get me wrong, the backwards ones are gonna happen, we’re not perfect. But there’s a reason I stopped doing New Years Resolutions with numerical values attached to them:*Read X books

*Workout X days

I’ll be honest, I read zero books last year.

Crazy coming from the girl that always has her book on hand and a pen to annotate it

Don’t get me wrong I read, I’m actually almost done with a book now, but there was not a book that I started and ended in 2023.

Yet when I look at my journal for the last year my goal was to read twelve books (one for every month).

Granted I was hospitalized for the better half of 2023, but nonetheless.

Sometimes we don’t achieve that exact growth we have in mind, and when we don’t it’s easier for us to abandon the desire of a growth mindset altogether because you’ve already fucked it up by not going to the gym at 5AM on January 4th.

Give yourself some grace.

Now I’m not saying you completely abandon any morsel of discipline, but allow yourself to mess up. Learn from your mistakes and grow.

One of my goals for 2024: Read.

That’s it, it doesn't matter the number, I’m not on a schedule or doing it as a chore, I’m doing it because I love it.

(And because I’m secretly hoping the love of my life will look across a coffee shop, see me reading and be effortlessly enchanted)

Who knows what 2024 will bring? I sure for fucks sake don’t.

I’m just happy to be along for the ride and to get to experience it with all of the amazing people I have in my life.

The people that check in and tell to you call them.

The friends that offer to beat up the one who hurt you.

The ones that live thousands of miles away and still manage to have ice cream delivered to your house.

The individuals that answer your late night FaceTimes when you’re balling your eyes out despite needing to go to bed.

And literally so many other things I don’t have the capacity to express.

You know who you are - thank you for being in my life.

Supporting.

Caring.

.. and the occasional bullying.

All from a place of love.

Maybe that’s what I’ll focus on for a while: making sure those relationships have a firm foundation.

But then again, Spring training is right around the corner….

Thank you for stumbling through my own personally version of therapy because I can’t afford a therapist and spend all my money on random adventures.

I love you all (yes, even you).

I know that the hurt I feel now is part of what is going to make loving the right person feel so damn good.

Xoxo Mild Girl

P.S

To whom it may concern,

This is not me reaching out, because I’m not sure it would be the best for either of us.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not wanting your name to pop up on my phone.

It mattered and it happened. - WD

Dating with Intention

Something I know I (as well as a multitude of women) struggle with is becoming a little too emotionally invested early on.

Maybe that shit scraped by in high school/college, but we’re out here in the big leagues now.

Now I’m not saying it’s unhealthy to genuinely care for a person and their well being before getting to know him, but we’ve all been guilty of getting a little ahead of ourselves.

I used to think I wanted this world wind romance where a guy sees me annotating my book in the corner of a local coffee shop and immediately decide I was 'the one'.

I will never apologize for caring for someone or showing empathy, honestly if that’s the worst thing you can say about me, then by all means go for it

Sometimes I just need to take a little step back and ask my self why I'm having these feelings?

I don't have an exact fine line but there are experiences I would not do with someone I'm casually seeing, but would with a significant other (or honestly a stranger).

I know for me when I experience a certain 'first' or just something really special I can trick myself into thinking that means we may be closer than we are. Not to say that there aren't bonding experiences for relationships/situationships, whatever you want to call him.

But one amazing weekend together isn't going to make him want to stop fucking other girls.

That's not to say I am against special things with people you're not exclusive with, but those things that are intrinsically specific to me (ex. my national park roadtrips) are things that are a big part of me and who I am, so it's very hard for me to commit to sharing that experience with someone that I don't know is going to be in my life for long.

I rarely talk about religion in these, but one thing from the bible that I think is a very healthy takeaway for going into a relationship is to guard your heart.

This is something that's always been hard for me because I don't really like to hold back, I never have. Notoriously I believe I am very what you see is what you get, and I don't mind that.

Never been into playing hard to get.

That's not to say that I'm not hard to get.

When it comes to dinner/drinks or whatever the date is I'm not too picky on the person, but when it comes to whom I'm dating. You had best believe they will be VETTED and worthy of me.

Maybe that sounds a little pretentious, but I also want a partner that I feel worthy of. Someone I am so advantageously proud to be affiliated with.

Not because of money or where they work, but for who they are and all it is that the put into the universe.

I REFUSE to be a ‘pick me’ girl (or at least sober Lauren feels that way)

Add some tequila to the mix and that goes out the window, drunk goggles are REAL.

If/when/whatever I’m in a relationship with a man (no boys allowed) I will be 100% certain that he is with me because he wants to be. I’ve seen relationships where the girl or guy just sticks around and eventually the other person is just like ‘well, I guess you’ll do’. 

In college I legitimately witnessed someone end things with my friend and she just kept showing up, crying and eventually they got back together.

Now they live in XXXXXXX together and have been dating for several years. 

I'm sure there's a lot of intrinsic parts of that relationship I don't know, and never will, but I personally would never want someone to view my relationship that way.

Don’t get me wrong they seem very happy, afterall I’m the single one that’s a couple cats away from a PETA call, so what do I know?

My perspective on this is just that I would not personally want my own relationship to start like that (again, this is coming from a girl who met her ex on tinder). So I am not exactly a romance aficionado.

Also I would like to note your relationship is your relationship and fuck what anybody else says.

(unless it's actually unhealthy and toxic - then please go to therapy)

To me, ‘dating with intention’ doesn’t mean you meet someone and immediately start talking about your future. The whole point of dating is that it’s fun and you get to meet new people and figure out exactly what it is you’re looking for in a partner.

Which I think is extremely healthy considering I used to have romcoms be my point of reference when it came to dating. Surprisingly enough, I was devastated when no one ever showed up outside my window with a boom box.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of sweet romantic moments:

I currently have a cowboy that calls me every day and leaves a voicemail to remind me that I’m ‘a doll’

***I’ve been called a lot of things in my life (usually something along the lines of adventurous, beautiful, intelligent, brave), but I can’t say doll has ever been one of them.

My senior prom I was asked to the dance by a guy pulling out a poster and guitar and putting my name into a Taylor Swift song, I still think about that Nick and will always cherish that memory. So genuinely thank you.

And I don't think sweet moments need to be big things either.

I’ve gotten flowers from a guy twice ever.. The first being my senior year boyfriend that I dated for a month, little does he know I still have them (so thanks Josh).

They may be wilted and fall apart at the slightest touch, but everytime I come back to my parents house in Ohio I see them and am reminded of the first time ever that a man made me feel really special.

Not hot. Not sexy.

Special.

Don’t get me wrong, anyone can stop at Krogers (Fry’s for my Arizonans) on the way to that restaurant that’s nice enough for a first date, but won’t break your bank at the same time. But it honestly is the thought that counts.

I love to put up this persona that I am a strong, independent woman that ‘don’t need no man’.

***I absolutely am all these things

But at the same time that doesn’t mean I ultimately don’t have this intrinsic desire to be loved and have a partner that will support me as my equal and be that teammate to go through life together.

That’s also not going to stop me from a random hookup with a thirty year-old in IT that takes me to expensive cocktail bars and respects me. While there are people you may meet/date that don't necessarily have anything 'wrong' with them, you're just not going to want to pursue a relationship with every nice guy (or gal) in the world, which is so okay!!!

If that were the case I'd be dating my uber driver from last night.

While I do have this ultimate goal of finding that person, it's not something I'm trying to rush.

If I committed to the first nice guy I met there’s a lot of things I wouldn’t know about myself and what I’m looking for.

Yesterday for instance I had a date with some man from Hinge, and while I don’t really think anything will come out of it I have already seen qualities in him that I find very attractive.

Nothing is sexier than a man who plans, communicates and follows through.

And at 6:57 AM on Wednesday I received this message.

That's hot.

Honestly at this point I could be meeting up with a forty-seven year-old Lebanese woman trying to get me to change my cars extended warranty and I would still go through with the date -  solely based on the manner of confidence and preparation he has shown.

***My intrusive thoughts are wondering how many of you read that as a sexual orientation rather than an ethnicity***

One thing I've recently discovered is my favorite dating age range is 26-32 year-old men... emphasis on the MEN. Don't get me wrong there are some eternal frat bros out there looking to sew those wild oats, but I'm talking out the Senior IT Specialists and PGA Account Managers that really treat you like a lady.

I love to plan cute dates and my head is constantly running rampant with ideas, but that doesn't mean I want to always want to be the one taking charge. I'll make a decision when I want to, but I love the feeling in my feminine when a man is (respectfully) assertive.

***Unless it's in the bedroom, I'm okay with a little disrespect there, if done the right way***

I can genuinely say this is the first time in my life I know my worth.

Which honestly makes me a little emotional, because there was a long time there where I would let men use and walk all over me...

Looking a little into my last relationship:

My ex is a great guy and I absolutely wish him the best, but throughout the duration of our relationship I think he bought me a coffee once.

Don't get me wrong there were some gifts and a lot of sweet gestures here and there, and it's genuinely not about the money. It's the action of a man actively making a choice that signifies he wants to take care of you in some form.

• I'm sure there are times I'm forgetting, but I do know the one time we went out to a nice dinner (that was his idea) I paid.

While everyone does love to be spoiled a little bit, I do think a relationship is not meant to be one gives and the other purely receives, I'm all for treating a guy if I really care for him. I'm a big girl with a corporate job, but I do that if/because I choose to - not because it was asked of me.

I think we all know there's absolutely NO QUESTION, on my ability to be independent and on my own. I'm that bitch that beat cancer and then moved cross country the next day.

Now I live alone, go on my little adventures and live my literal best life.

I don't really have a desire for too much of that to change right now, but at the same time I do eventually want a partner, and dating and putting yourself out there is a big step in that.

Doesn't happen over night.

I was never one to date around much when I was younger. 

***I know I’m twenty-three but I have the knees of an eight year-old Saint Bernard - An obscure reference I know, but take my word for it.

Genuinely I find this time in my life very exciting. My mom isn’t thrilled that I am going on dates with ~the locals~ seeing as I live approximately 1,874.3 miles away (unless you take the scenic route). Sorry Soph, but if these fuckers can’t take the .002 seconds to read my location then that’s on them. I also genuinely am looking to get something out of every date I go on, and that’s not something I say with a maniacal undertone. 

I go on dates to figure out what exactly I am looking for in a man.

Currently the man I’ve configured in my head is a 28 year-old lumberjack that left his six figure, stock broker job on Wall Street to pursue his passions of manly-outdoor related things. He has curly brown hair, a sleeve of tattoos (with more on the way) and a superb vernacular. His hobbies include volunteering as a fireman, reading and worshiping the ground I walk on. 

That’s not to say I’m not flexible and am completely set on these qualities… 

…his hair could be wavy.

Now I understand this may be a bit of a reach, but it’s my imagination so I’ll very well do whatever I please (:

All jokes aside:

Which is tough for me.

Haha see what I did there?

The jokes are literally aside. 

I’m hilarious.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming

Yeah sure there are looks and physical attributes that initially attract me to a man, but at the same time there have been some men I’ve met over my life that didn’t maybe check certain boxes, but they had other qualities that really stood out.

I’ve been with attractive meat heads and the Owen Wilsons of the real world (sorry if you're into Owen Wilson, just not my cup of tea)

Believe it or not one was even missing a tooth.

***I promise he looks better than whatever you're picturing

I’d also like to clarify this doesn’t mean I actually am UNattracted to these kind’ve men. I think we all have been guilty of overlooking the also attractive side character of the major motion picture because Ryan Gosling walks in.. being all Ryan and doing Gosling things and you just can’t help but salivate a little (regardless of which way you swing).

Everyone has a different path when it comes to dating (or not dating). For me personally right now is a period of figuring my shit out and what it is I want.

I go back and forth on what exactly I’m looking for.

For all you assholes that are just like: “When it’s right you just know”

Fuck you Stacy.

My brain doesn’t work like that.

I want to know how a person is going to handle bad situations, conflict and all the other not-so fun parts of a relationship that seem to be conveniently left out of the Nicholas Sparks novels. Alright, yeah there’s the dramatic decision of whether to let her go pursue that dream career on the other side of the country.. But then conveniently it all works out (idk if that’s the plot of one but it sounds right)

I want to hear about the everyday tiffs that are inevitable when you spend that much time with someone.

For instance, I love my sister and would literally die for her (unless she’s being a cunt). But earlier today she quite literally threated my life because I walked into her room with a salad and she could smell the blue cheese. 

So naturally my mom and I tag teamed her with an extreme cuddle. To say the least she was not pleased.

Back to the matter at hand:

Dating.

I don’t think any of us really even know what this means. Technically the act of consistently going on dates with someone qualifies as actively dating that person. But the Gen Z (or whatever the letter is) in us that thinks it’s ‘on trend’ to be emotionally unavailable would shit themself if the other person said that they were dating at that point.

Let’s have a little lesson on action verbs:

If I am at dinner, with a plate of food in front of me, even if I am not technically committing to taking a bite or chewing at that moment, I am still eating dinner.

Sorry to burst your bubble Josh but you are dating that girl, don’t let your dick crawl up inside you too much now.

I get it that commitment is scary, I don’t disagree. 

Admitting that you care about that person and that they now have the ability to hurt you.

.. or the fact that I might not be single for Arizona spring training..

Not only that but when you commit to someone, to an extent they are an extension of you. Your friends, your family, your elderly neighbors will judge you based on the quality of that person.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got my daddy issues, but I’d like to think my period of that impacting the men I choose to spend my time with is over.

At the end of the day it’s whose the person that you want to bring you a second roll of toilet paper when you’re butt-ass naked, shitting your brains out because the mexican place you went to last night left their crema out just a little (a LOTle) too long.

As always thanks for taking time to read the random things that transcend from my head to my laptop.

Love & appreciate you all (yes even you).

Xoxo Mild Girl

What's Wrong with Me.

No one is perfect, and I’m not even close.

For those of you that aren’t little grammar Nazi’s let’s take this time to refer back to the title of this publication and note that the punctuation constituent is not in fact a question mark, but a period. Thus signifying a statement, and not the open-ended question to the universe I have an inkling most of you thought it was.

So before this takes the ‘woe is me’ turn you may inevitably believed was going to occur, let’s get on the same page about what this is really about:

People kinda suck. (present company included)

I feel like we see the mantras of ‘you’re perfect just the way you are’ or ‘#NeverChange’ plastered all over social media or those inspirational posters with the big white serif font and the picture of some shit like an oak tree in the middle (pictured below for reference):

But that doesn’t mean we actually take the time to listen. If you’re a man I’m sure you’re especially lacking in this particular area.

So let’s do that now with a little exercise. Repeat after me:

I’m not fucking perfect.

Hell, knowing most of you I’m not so sure you’re even all that great.

*joking of course, you know I adore you little fuckers*

Just cause I’m not perfect doesn’t mean I think I’m the absolute worst (I save that spot for whoever decided to take the grilled chicken sandwich off of Wendy’s menu, just know there's a special place in hell waiting for you).

Sure I do the good samaritan things like sign up to be an organ donor and adopt abandoned puppies, but I’m also the same person that has prioritized temporary ‘romantic’ relationships over friends that have been with me for years and showed me such love and support.

(I use the ‘ ‘ around the word romantic because I’m not all too sure that drinking one too many double tequila sodas and winding up in a frat house qualifies as romance)

Sure, perhaps maybe at the time of my misdoings I was rather inebriated (more often than not), but how many times can one really make that excuse. I mean, put the shoe on the other foot. If I was in a relationship with someone and they betrayed my trust while under the influence, I can’t say that I would have much grace. Honestly I would have none: a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. So why should I expect that of others towards me?

***To be clear this was a comparison, I have never cheated and have the intention to keep it that way***

Let’s take a second to just be real here and acknowledge our faults (here are but a mere morsel of my own):

Mistaking male validation for genuine connection

Putting others before myself

Having Spotify with the ads

Vacuuming (or lack thereof)

Poor communication

Coping with alcohol

Time management

Little white lies

*take a moment to admire the aesthetic descending arrangement of these vices o’mine*

Now this is not meant to be perceived as a colloquial shit on Lauren moment.

Absolutely not.

It’s a moment to acknowledge we are all fuck ups in our own way. That’s not to say we’re not also amazing in ways, but the two aren’t meant to be put on a scale and weighed against one another.

Just cause you’re a great dancer, doesn’t mean you’re a great singer.

I would know, I do the robot like it’s nobody’s business.

I once went to a cemetery with dozens of roses and put them on graves that didn’t have any flowers to show that these people weren’t forgotten. Wholesome, right?

But at the same time I have also stood by when someone used a derogatory term as if it were ubiquitous.

Yes I used that word, be impressed.

I’m fully aware of my flaws, and yes, there are some I’m actively working on.

And others (as one of my coworkers so eloquently loves to put it) I won’t go near with a ten foot pole.

I’m twenty-three years old.

No way am I ready to address all the things I’ve got goin on, if I did then what the hell would I do with the rest of my years (assuming i make it much longer). I’m not supposed to have all my shit together yet, and unlike you fuckers, I’m not gonna pretend like I do.

Right now I’m just trying to not equate my self-worth to whether or not a guy ‘likes’ my Instagram story. How sad is that?

Maybe you’re reading that and thinking I’m a hypocrite (or a little bitch) because I love to preach to not take life so seriously and how if you want something go for it.

I still believe that.

But half the battle is practicing what you preach.

I know we’ve all been in the situation before where you give relationship advice (or any kind of advice), but you’ll be damned if you take those same words and apply them to your own life.

So sorry if I’m calling you out, but for real stop thinking you’re hot shit. Act like it all you want (fake it til you make it mentality), but if you start to believe it you become ignorant to your own flaws. Which will do you absolutely no good in life.

But what do I know? Like I said, I’m twenty-three years old.

I could pull the cancer card and say I’m wise now that I’ve looked death in the eye and gave it the bird while I drove away into the sunset with my oxygen tank.

Oops guess I did pull the card (sorry not sorry).

Listen me, don’t listen to me. Do whatever you think it is you need to do, I’m not here to convince anyone of anything. Honestly, therapy is expensive and I’m no longer on my parent’s insurance.

As always I appreciate your time, even if you feel like you just wasted the last three minutes of your life (now you know what it’s like to have sex with the average adolescent male)

**see bolded terms if you missed the joke

Love you all and I hope you’re also a little tipsy right now

Xoxo Mild Girl