For so long in my life I would create these lists of things I wanted to do with people.
Whether that be with friends, family or significant others. So much anticipation would build up as I delved into the idea that these would be such ‘perfect experiences’. That’s a tendency of mine my mother has recently enlightened me on: thinking things need to go a certain way.
I felt like I could only do it if there were others around.
It started small with, “Oh this would be a great restaurant to go on a dinner date with” and soon manifested to "oh I can’t wait to travel here with ____”.
I feel like we’ve all been in those group chats where someone will send a reel saying, “oh my gosh we need to go here” or “mob?” as the youths would so eloquently put it. But, as I’m sure you will agree, 9/10 nothing comes from that.
I choose to not live my life like that. To not have to coordinate with schedules, PTO and everything in-between.
Not to say you won't want to save a certain thing or place that you want to save to experience with that special person, but you also need to be aware of the reality of it. Why are you thinking about a trip you’re going to take with the love of your life when there’s currently not even someone you have any sort of romantic relationship with?
For so long in my life I would not do things exclusively due to the fact that there was someone I wanted to do them with.
Ex. I would drag my family to each opening night of the new Star Wars movies when they couldn’t have cared less. Now in this instance, it was fine because they went since it was important to me, but they couldn’t have given a rats ass about whether or not Ray listened to Kylo and went to the dark side (off-topic but did Disney really need to make that relationship romantic? The whole time there was this brother/sister dynamic with how Ray viewed Solo as a father and then they had to fuck it up with that ill-timed kiss)
I digress.
The thing with this is, I would not have gone had they not gone with me, and that was something I had been waiting months to come to theaters.
Which personally to me, as I look back on it, is unhealthy.
Several months ago, I was seeing this guy who would make a point of asking me to ‘wait’ to experience certain things because he wanted to do them with me.
Now I think there’s a time and place for the ‘specialness’ associated with experiencing something with someone for the first time. But also, I think by pre-determining when a ‘special’ moment is, makes it a whole hell of a lot less special.
One thing I’ve realized on some of my solo trips is that there are things I do genuinely want to experience with other humans, and even though I will not put off doing certain activities and just living my life the way that maximizes my joy
Last week when I was trudging 8.9 miles through chest-deep freezing cold water in Zion National Park and I couldn’t help but notice all the couples also completing this hike. To give a visual on what this hike looks like, the entire time you’re walking through a ravine of varying depths in a narrow canyon, trying to not trip over rocks
All these couples had one another to lean on and support them on this venture, and I was just trying my best to not be swept off my feet by the current (but hey at least someone would be then).
By doing this it’s made me realize the standards to set for what I want in life.
I want someone who will go on hikes with me. I want to be ninety walking on a trail with the love of my life and are copious amounts of dogs
Also this is a time in my life where there are all sorts of things I get to experience as a single woman that I might not if I were on these excursions with another person, regardless of platonic or romantic in nature.
You know what I did last night? I went to a clothing optional hot tub at my communal living air bnb. It was me and a twenty-five year-old man from Texas and his friend, dick.
See what I did there?
Sitting there, in this vulnerable way with a complete stranger was honestly so empowering. Don’t get me wrong, the bottle of Barefoot Moscato I downed before getting into the tub also aided as a bit of an external form of encouragement.
It’s not about being naked with a stranger or the sexual tension you’re not entirely sure whether you’re making up or not. It’s the power of decision. Now don’t get me wrong depending on your relationship maybe you can or would still have an experience. But if I were in a relationship right now I probably still would’ve gone in the hot tub, but out of respect for my significant other I probably would have left when another single man came (especially a naked one).
But there’s also just a renowned openness to people, especially of the opposite sex when you are single. Not only are you not preoccupied or worried about coming across a certain way, but you (in my experience) tend to be more open to experiences.
I think we forget, especially as young people in the peak of our sexualness and wanting, that to be naked and flirting doesn’t have to directly result in sex. As I look back on my most recent adventure, the taste of the maintenance man still on my lips I really revel in this period of my life. For my entire stay at this air bnb we had multiple occasions that could have resulted in us in bed together. That didn’t happen. In all honesty there was a text I didn’t see last night where had I seen it, the narrative I’m writing now would probably be different.
But I didn’t and no sex was had. In all honesty, the situation was joked about the next morning over a cup of coffee. That being said, it’s neither right nor wrong that was our experience. For where my head is right now, I’m content with how that story ended. With a kiss goodbye and this mentality of ‘what could’ve been’, but perhaps that’s just the writer in me.
I don’t wish away a healthy, loving relationship, but at the same time I will not sit in solace and not take the time to appreciate this time in my life.
I find beauty in knowing that at this moment in time there is not a single person in this world that know where I am or what I’m doing, a lot of the times they don’t even know what state I’m in. One day I will have a significant other that is always aware, and not in an overwhelming way. But coming from a place of love and wanting to ensure my safety.
Last year when I drove cross-country during an extreme thunderstorm and flash-flood with limited service I had several missed calls from my then boyfriend because my trip took an extra four hours from detours.
That’s a love I haven’t felt in a long time.
Yes I have close friends that have my location and can check at their leisure, but no one is actively looking to check on my safety / that knows my itinerary.
My mom would if she could, but if I told her half of the shit I do she would’ve had a coronary by now.
So for the sake of my own sanity, I will continue to explore this beautiful world we live in on my own (and my dogs of course), until I come across the right person that I will allow to fully experience it with me.
As always thanks for reading lovelies, appreciate you all.
Xoxo Mild Girl