Notice how the term ‘needs’ is capitalized - remember back in eighth grade when you were learning the rules of grammar and your english teacher explained that essentially to identify what you need to capitalize in a title is to just identify the important parts and go from there. Well, this is that. I am taking the very literal stance to signify that your needs are important.
What do you really need from a relationship? I’m not talking about want, need.
Maybe you don’t need a person who is 6’5”, but also maybe you do because it helps to make you feel small or in your femininity. And maybe you need that (but I will also say as your friend from a mental health standpoint this is something that should be satisfied by yourself, but I won’t judge, we all have our insecurities.. Trust me).
Let’s take this over from a different realm to the world of anxiety. Maybe you need someone who is a good communicator and will tell you if they’re unable to text for extended periods of time in advance, rather than someone who says, “sorry I was in meetings all day”. Not to say one is right or wrong, it’s all based on your *personal needs.
*I wanted to say preferences but I feel like it’s so much deeper than that
Here’s the thing though: you can communicate those needs to someone who doesn’t naturally fulfill them, BUT you have to really listen to not only their response, but their actions in regards to their response. If you tell a man that you need more from him, and he says he can’t give that to you: run for the hills.
I know, easier said than done.
But no they are not just going to suddenly change their mind and decide what they're capable of is different, and even if that is the case do you want someone who will compromise that part of themself or someone that will say they are capable of that from the getgo. I get there’s a part of the innate want to have a “man be different for you’ but do we as women really want these “fix me” projects? Or do we want someone that can deliver from the start and tell us they can give us what we want rather than us hoping they may someday become the person we think they can be.
You also need to be aware if someone says they can change and then continue to not only not change, but also not make an effort to do so. It’s one thing if you can tell they’re actively working on it, and another just saying words to appease you or avoid a tough conversation. I recently had a manager that would always tell me he was empathetic to my recent health situation. Because he said those words, I assumed he was. It wasn’t until months later of my own constant anxiety over work that I realized jusy because he said he was empathetic, doesn’t mean he was. Now I won’t speak for him and ultimately label this guy as either empathetic or not, but I’ll give you some facts.
As a side effect (early on) from chemo I experienced intense ‘chemo brain’. Basically the drugs that had been pumped into my blood stream had messed with the neurological function of my brain and I would genuinely forget that certain conversations ever took place. Including conversations with my manager in regards to training.
Now I understand the frustration of having to essentially ‘re-teach’ or ‘re-answer’ certain questions, we’ve all had that friend in the group chat that texts, “What’s the address of the bar?/What time are we getting there?” when it is quite literally a scroll up in the chat away.
(I won’t lie, I did that today)
And it’s annoying, I get it. You’re like, really? You couldn’t have taken the .002 seconds to figure it out yourself?
So yeah, fuck me for asking what day we were doing happy hour again, but when it comes to the chemo brain thing, I think I’ll give myself a pass here. You don’t have to, go ahead and chalk it up to me not being proactive enough, but if you know me, and i mean really know me: you know the kind of worker I am.
But enough about me and my maybe unempathetic manager.
Let’s get back to your Needs, the highlight of the article. Now I wanna preface that I’m primarily going to address needs a romantic context, but this applies to so much more: friends, family…. managers..
As my wise friend Taylor often reminds me, the beginning of the relationship is meant to be the easiest part. You’re excited, there’s no conflict and you still shave every time before sex.
So when he/she/they/them/it/muggles are already effecting your mental health/compromising your needs right off the bat, where do you really think it’s gonna go from there? If it’s early on in a relationship and you’re already making significant compromises then you need to take a real look at what you’re getting yourself into.
Something i saw on social media the other day with how we justify our mentalities in relationships really resonated. If a dog growled at you and bared it’s teeth.. Would you keep approaching it? Would you have this mentality, maybe I change it’s mind and it just doesn’t know me yet?
As someone who has pulled over for a lot of stray dogs, and I meant A LOT.
(Got a tetanus shot last month because I pulled a stray dog out of the road and it bit me)
So no, I don’t listen to my own advice and this translates to my dating life because I am chronically single and probably will continue to be so until I stop wasting my time on assholes. But hey, it gives you all some content to read about my mediocre love life, so I’ll take a win where I can.
Take a minute: what are your needs?
I’ll give you some of mine (this way you can hold me accountable if you see me with someone not fulfilling them):
I Need:
-someone who respects my relationship with the lord, they don’t have to agree, but never will I be with someone who belittles it
-someone who does not diminish my independence and not be turned off when I would sometimes rather go on a solo hike and disappear for a bit than go grab lunch
-someone who is not allergic to cats/dogs (unless he’s willing to take shots on the daily - we all know I live in an actual zoo)
Maybe your needs are as simple as wanting to spend a little more quality time with your partner, or maybe they’re a little more complicated because you need your boyfriend to up his game in the bedroom because you’re three years in and he still can’t identify where the clit is.
I had a conversation with my ex recently.
I feel like that sounds toxic, but it was very healthy in ways I can’t fully put into words: mostly because I don’t really care to.
Him and I reminisced on our relationship, not so much in an “i miss you way” but moreso an “I’m grateful to have had you in my life way”. Looking back there were needs of mine he couldn’t fulfill, and I’m sure that goes both ways. Which was a big part of why we are no longer together, had we clung onto the hope that we could maybe ‘change the other person’ that would have cause only animosity on both ends. Now instead of that we can talk and I still text him here and there to get vet advice from his mom.
I hope this gives you an opportunity to think about what it is you need right now and maybe even have that hard conversation to let that person know. Or maybe you just took a nasty shit and I am privileged enough to have been your electronic bathroom read, since no one (unfortunately) reads the paper anymore.
I hope this was a little more or at least equivalently enjoyable as mindlessly scrolling through TikTok (depending on your algorithm).
As always genuinely love and appreciate you for taking the time to read, skim, stare, whatever you did. Even if you hated it.. Get fucked I still stole some of your day and you have to ruminate in that now.
Stay mild my loves.
Xoxo Mild Girl