I Deleted my Dating Apps.

No, I didn’t meet someone.

… and I also have miraculously not given up on love.

The reason for my sudden dating hiatus is purely out of self-awareness. I noticed myself sacrificing my time to go on more dates than I would like to admit and using valuable time on men who frequently didn’t really seem to have much respect for mine. So I have decided that for the time being to be more intentional with my time and how I value it. 

Rather than trying to stack as many dates back to back, hoping that one may stick, I have decided to let myself take a breathe for once. For years now I have been very comfortable with being by myself but I found myself taking too much of myself and investing into dates. I would make it a personality trait and hop from one date to another. From coffee to a hike to happy hour. My phone was (and still is) filled with a copious amount of unsaved numbers and not a single meaningful connection.

Dating is meant to be fun and for a time I was using it so. Recently I have decided I am ready for a more serious relationship and the dating habits I had developed are not conducive to that. When I’m so focused on how many guys I can get to take me to cute, cocktail bars I’m not taking into consideration building a true and genuine connection with a person. It’s hard to do that when you’re having a nice time at dinner and have to keep checking your watch because you booked two dates back to back. 

I love to broadcast my independence and my whole ‘not giving a fuck’ mentality, but when it comes to what I want out of a real, adult relationship it’s so much more than yet. Obviously I do not plan to trade in my independence for a shiny, new boyfriend. I actually only am interested in the kind of man that admires my independence. Although I plan to go about my independence in a different way from here on out. 

I have found comfort in hyper-independence.

Which, after a recent two hour conversation with my ex (a story for another time), he confirmed is probably my biggest roadblock in relationships. The whole point of a healthy relationship is that you two are a team and there to count on and support one another.

So when I do not allow a partner to help me (even in times where I may really need it), that isn’t conducive to a real partnership. How are we supposed to be a team if one person refuses to pass the ball?

Therefore I have decided to take an undetermined amount of time (days/weeks/months) to work on my ability to accept support.

Initially I had typed ‘ability to be vulnerable’.

As you can tell, I erased it. Because that in part plays into this twisted mentality I have. Accepting help is NOT vulnerability. Just because you let someone carry something for you or buy you lunch does not mean that your independence all of a sudden up and dissipates.

For some reason readers, I can trauma dump on you all and tell you all the ways I’m struggling in life not only because I can’t afford my own therapist, but also because I think it genuinely helps some of you to see the behind the scenes that my life (and anyone’s) is not all sunshine in rainbows. Lately it’s been torrential downpour and muggy puddles.

One of the last guys I went on a date with literally stopped listening to me mid conversation to go on his phone and buy some luxury car off of a guy on Craigslist.

The way I date, I like to cut the bullshit of ‘what’s your favorite color?’ and ‘how many siblings you have’ because I would much rather just meet someone in person.

But I think my mentality on how I’ve come to this mindset is because I no longer view dating as this intentional thing. I think part of me is going through the motions, thinking that if I go on enough coffee dates I will eventually find a guy I like. Now not to say that can’t happen, I mean technically that’s exactly how it works - you go on dates til you find someone.

For me, and this is no shade to anyone else, this mentality has not been benefiting my dating life. Even when their was a point that I was involved with someone from an app it was shortly ended because the other person ultimately didn’t want the same thing I did.

I have decided to give being ‘intentionally single’ and not really looking the old college try. The last time I did this it was during chemo treatment and even then I was still hoping that I may still have my own ‘Fault in Our Stars’ moment.

No more asking guys out and being the one to put in effort. 

Not to say there is anything wrong with that, it’s all up to what your priorities are and what you want in a partner. I genuinely want a man that takes charge and can lead me. That’s not to say I can’t put him in his place or would just ‘submit’ to him, but I’ve spent my entire life with all these walls up and not truly letting anyone in (romantically speaking) and I’m ready when it’s time to show that other side of me I don’t let come out out as often.

The kind of man I want is the one that will not make me question his interest or intention. Nor will he be the kind of man I feel like I should ‘wait’ to text because I texted last. I’m done playing the whole dating game.

I’ll be on the bench and let the rest of you take it from here and enjoy doing my own thing.

As always I appreciate you and your valuable time, love you all.

Xoxo Mild Girl

P.S Even though I may be taking a little break from the apps I have a LOT of dating content/horror stories and mentalities I’ve been collecting over the past few months and still have PLENTY of content for all you lovelies.

P.S.S I can also be very impulsive so for all we know I’ll redownload Hinge later this week when I’m bored.