… but I will be.
As much as I would love to be untouchable by the psychological nullity of male-kind and their irritatingly inconsistent tendencies, I am not.
Alas, I am just a girl.
An amazingly, quintessential one at that, but still human.
I would like to think I’m pretty good at picking up signals. If a guy isn’t interested I’m out of there, I don’t continuously text and love bomb in hopes they’ll stick around. I’m big about reciprocating the energy that is being shown to you.
It’s like you’re trying to put premium gasoline in a tank that requires regular. Yeah sure the car will run for a while, but over time that gasoline will oxidize and cause damage to your fuel lines.
Yes I had to google that, I know nothing about cars.
The same can be said with putting effort into someone that isn’t emotionally in a place to accept that love or affection you so desperately want to show them.
There are a multitude of different ways to go about this and unfortunately the biggest thing I see in this scenario is people will often try and give enough effort for both partners. While this may work for a while, that is in way how to foster a healthy relationship.
I could understand a scenario where you’ve been with the person for years and they need your love and support due to extraneous circumstances out of their control, but where I most frequently witness this behavior is in the coveted ~situationship~
The thing with being in this stage of relationship is that neither partner has made any sort of commitment to you, you’re not exclusive, you’re not dating.
Theoretically any time you hang out could be the last time you do so.
The last time you kissed them.
The last goodbye hug.
The last any thing.
Which is why communication is SO important.
I know there are a lot of people out there that want to play it cool and act like your feelings aren’t that deep.
Maybe it’s adding the word kind’ve before the ‘miss you’ text...
...Or waiting a little longer to text back, even though you want to talk to them at that moment.
Here’s the thing to note: If someone truly cares and wants to be with you, they will NEVER be turned off when you show any kind of emotion.
Worried it will scare them off? Good riddance.
That will happen regardless. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for a confession of love after the first date. You do need time to actually get to know the person you're seeing. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with communicating that you enjoy having someone in your life and are looking forward to seeing where it goes.
What if they pull back? Well it’s better now than five months in the future.
While I do believe things take time, I know I personally take a while to open up to someone to show that level of vulnerability.
I dated a guy for nine months and still never told him I loved him. That’s not to say I didn’t have love for him, I just wasn’t ready to show that level of emotion, and in that circumstance I never got there.
Which is so okay!
There are people you meet in different seasons of life and all serve a purpose, no matter how small.
I have never been one to force a relationship or talk someone into something. That's not to say I don't believe in asking questions in regards to where certain thoughts/feelings are coming from. Clarity and closure are so very valid, and oftentimes needed (depending on the person).
But you also have to be prepared to maybe not like the answers to those questions.
I personally, despite not fully having closure, am not of the opinion that knowing more will do any good. I could be wrong (but I rarely am).
Sometimes you just need to call your friend, sit in a Target parking lot crying to a song about ‘not seeing the point in sticking around’, buy yourself flowers and move on with your life.
In high school I spent the better half of a year pining after a guy that literally treated me like three day leftovers:
You don’t want to throw them out because there’s a chance you might want them, even though deep down you know you’re going to DoorDash some Taco Bell.
This is not that.
I've grown A LOT since I was an eighteen year-old that had never had her first kiss. In this growth I've come to realize that I don't want someone that doesn't want me. That I'm not going to hope and pray they come back.
Even if they did, they chose to leave. Regardless of the reason, it was a choice.
I had my initial sad girl moment, and my friends witnessed me go through the stages in grief in real time.
Denial. Anger. Acceptance.
I'll tell you what, that twenty-four hours was a roller-coaster of emotions.
The texts I wrote and didn't send, probably all for the best.
I think it hit me hardest when I saw his car sitting outside my house and I was hoping he would come back.
He didn’t.
And that’s so okay.
****pause for a brief intermission while I tear up in this coffee shop ****
Those feelings, while feel so enormously, exponentially shitty, are what showed you cared.
To quote a good friend of mine:
“It happened and it mattered.”
For a long time after all I went through (cancer, breakup, losing my hair) I wasn’t fully sure I could open up to a person in the context of a romantic relationship.
***I specify that because my friends can attest to my big mouth and chronic oversharing***
Who’s going to look at a girl with the hair of a toddler and say, “Her. That’s who I want”.
And honestly a lot of that stems from a deep-seeded root of insecurity, but I’m aware of it. It's something I'm actively working towards and acknowledging that is the first step. I also do know that I deserve love and all the happiness in the world, but just like you (my lovely readers) I’m imperfect and I struggle.
While I don’t feel the best now, I feel better than I did yesterday, and will continue to do so. By no means am I unhappy. I still love life so effervescently it's to the point where I am notoriously for doing what I want when I want, no matter how rash and impractical it may seem.
Another point:
I also do want to be in a relationship, to find that person to go through life with.
Kicking ass and taking names.
It’s just hard when you begin to open up to the idea that maybe this person you meet is capable of that… Only to disappoint you.
And that’s not to bash on anyone, a person needs to do what’s best for them, but you can call it what it is.
Unfair.
There gets to a point where you’re seeing someone and you know it’s more than sex and more than fun.
Even if you don’t end up dating, there are feelings there.
When they’re asking for your favorite breakfast because they want to make it for you.
Facetiming you at the ball drop, wishing you were there.
Making care packages for the airport.
Telling you how much they miss you.
When you’re doing things like that, I don’t care what you both ‘label it’. It’s more than something casual. It fosters a false sense of intimacy and (in my opinion) isn’t something that should be done when there isn’t that commitment attached.
That’s more than nothing, but maybe less than something.
Sometimes we get caught up in the dopamine of being on the receiving end of those things.
It doesn’t matter if you’re polyamorous or asexual. We all love to feel loved.
It’s intoxicating to know someone thinks about you when you’re not around. That they genuinely care to know those little things about your day. Honestly, half the battle is accepting that in order to achieve those real connections it requires starting all over again, and that’s scary. To think you got to know someone and they saw your quirks, clumsiness and whack ass, sparse patches atop your head you call hair.
And then they left. They saw you for who you really were and decided their life was better off without you.
As cynical as that may sound, that is the definition of a breakup.
At some level you decide that your life is better off without that person. Which is tough with any loss, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship.
Which also is valid, not everyone is meant to be in each other's life.
What do you do next? Your best to move on, that’s all you can do. I refuse to be complacent in hopes that someone else will MAYBE do something. That’s living your life on the precipice of others and not personally something I want and/or need in mine.
I actually went on a date last night.
It was fine, nothing special, and no intention of seeing him again.
Not even sure I am actually ready to jump on that horse again, but I have 50+ likes in my Hinge cache, and more free time on my hands. So we will see.
Regardless of the outcome, it was a step, and that’s all anyone can do. Take steps forward.
Don’t get me wrong, the backwards ones are gonna happen, we’re not perfect. But there’s a reason I stopped doing New Years Resolutions with numerical values attached to them:*Read X books
*Workout X days
I’ll be honest, I read zero books last year.
Crazy coming from the girl that always has her book on hand and a pen to annotate it
Don’t get me wrong I read, I’m actually almost done with a book now, but there was not a book that I started and ended in 2023.
Yet when I look at my journal for the last year my goal was to read twelve books (one for every month).
Granted I was hospitalized for the better half of 2023, but nonetheless.
Sometimes we don’t achieve that exact growth we have in mind, and when we don’t it’s easier for us to abandon the desire of a growth mindset altogether because you’ve already fucked it up by not going to the gym at 5AM on January 4th.
Give yourself some grace.
Now I’m not saying you completely abandon any morsel of discipline, but allow yourself to mess up. Learn from your mistakes and grow.
One of my goals for 2024: Read.
That’s it, it doesn't matter the number, I’m not on a schedule or doing it as a chore, I’m doing it because I love it.
(And because I’m secretly hoping the love of my life will look across a coffee shop, see me reading and be effortlessly enchanted)
Who knows what 2024 will bring? I sure for fucks sake don’t.
I’m just happy to be along for the ride and to get to experience it with all of the amazing people I have in my life.
The people that check in and tell to you call them.
The friends that offer to beat up the one who hurt you.
The ones that live thousands of miles away and still manage to have ice cream delivered to your house.
The individuals that answer your late night FaceTimes when you’re balling your eyes out despite needing to go to bed.
And literally so many other things I don’t have the capacity to express.
You know who you are - thank you for being in my life.
Supporting.
Caring.
.. and the occasional bullying.
All from a place of love.
Maybe that’s what I’ll focus on for a while: making sure those relationships have a firm foundation.
But then again, Spring training is right around the corner….
Thank you for stumbling through my own personally version of therapy because I can’t afford a therapist and spend all my money on random adventures.
I love you all (yes, even you).
I know that the hurt I feel now is part of what is going to make loving the right person feel so damn good.
Xoxo Mild Girl
P.S
To whom it may concern,
This is not me reaching out, because I’m not sure it would be the best for either of us.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not wanting your name to pop up on my phone.
It mattered and it happened. - WD