Who I Was

A lot has happened over the last few months.. Let alone few years.

Beat cancer

Moved cross-country

Corporate lay-offs

Identity Stolen

Car totaled

And those are just the highlights since last July.

Now while the majority of the things I listed suck actual testicals (which I do not consider to be a positive thing, despite common male opinion), life goes on.

I’m definitely not the same girl that laid in that hospital bed attached to an oxygen tank, but I am also no longer the person I was before my diagnosis. Despite the two of us sharing a love for writing and the tendency to take a little too much time in between washing our bed sheets.

I often get asked if cancer changed me and my perspective on life. My answer was always no. I’d like to think I’ve always leaned more towards the glass half full side of life. Even now as a survivor, I’m appreciative to have had cancer at the young age I did because I now have this experience that is such a powerful, bonding experience that I have the privilege to share with the cancer community, which expands so much farther than we think. 

Have you ever been to one of those sporting events where they ask everyone who knows someone or has personally been affected by cancer to stand up? Damn near everyone in the stadium gets to their feet.

I’m also now less likely to get cancer when I’m older (I have no medical doctrine to back that up, it just makes sense in my brain and I feel no need to fact check it).

The girl who didn’t (know she had) cancer, before chemo and shaving her head was everything. She never stopped. She gave everyone everything. And in the process constantly took parts from herself to make that possible.

One thing that I will proudly and selfishly say I have learned since going through what I did, is that I no longer have time for the bullshit. To people please every single person in this world. 

I would give out 40% and 50% to the people and things around me, only leaving 10% to myself. No wonder my cancer was Stage IV by the time I actually took myself to the hospital, and that was after my boyfriend at the time had basically begged me to go to the emergency, despite me thinking I was fine. 

For someone that advocates so much for mental health awareness and monitoring in others, when it comes to myself I think my emotional odometer may be broken, and has been for a while. My tank may say I have a couple hundred miles left til I’m on empty but I’ve been running on fumes far too long.

I genuinely love life, and even my friends now, while I know they’re appreciative of me, are aware that I will go to great lengths to help them out, even if it makes my own life 10X harder.

One thing I’ve recently discovered and still need to fully dive into is inner-child work. Because when I was young I felt like I wasn’t ‘chosen’ by certain figures in my life, I seek this external validation/approval from others by trying to do every single thing in my capacity to feel chosen by them.

Which is also why when I enter into certain relationships there are times in my life I formed unhealthy attachments to people who exhibited certain traits that I saw from adult figures in my adolescent life.

That’s not to say I don’t love my friends and only do things for them out of fear of abandonment, but I also won’t lie to you and say that’s not a factor. 

Since moving to the West Coast I’ve gotten a lot better in this regard, but that’s not to say there still isn’t work to be done.

Something I forget that is incredibly crucial to sustainability of life is balance, in all shapes and sizes.

I have always found myself to be a woman of extremes. Rarely do I try to find a middle ground. Heard the term hot girl walk? Usually associated with a nice walk around the block or two? Well, two weeks ago I walked a marathon. I literally spent eight hours of my day walking along the Arizona canal to a town that is a thirty minute drive away. What for? Charity? Awareness?

Honestly, boredom and maybe even a little attention.

Then there are days where I hardly feel like I want to get out of bed.

Which is why I decided to start taking my Zoloft again. It may just be a placebo effect, but I think it’s working.

Sometimes I think about the girl I was and wonder if she was better than who I am now, maybe in some ways, but I’d like to think I’ve made some improvements.

Yes life is linear in the sense that we only get older and can't turn back time, but that's not to say that we are always forward moving. Lately it feels like every other week I encounter something that sets me back to 2018 and makes me feel like a doe-eyed high schooler. That car wreck I mentioned? Have you ever had to file an insurance claim? That was the most lucrative and stressful process I've had to deal with in my adult life, and I've gone to the DMV on a Saturday with no appointment.

I don't know when we started doing this adulting sh!t, but I'd appreciate it if we could knock it the fuck off. Last night I was talking to my little sister about her life and the timeline she is currently on. She'd like to be engaged in the next two years (age 22) and married in four (age 24).

For reference I turn 24 in just under two months and could literally not be further from getting marries. Just last week I thought that I had unintentionally gotten involved in an Albanian Mafia love triangle, and none of that is the punchline to a bad joke.

Don't get me wrong I'm not exactly itching to get engaged at the moment, I still sleep with a stuffed animal and honestly prefer to sleep in the middle of the bed in starfish formation. But I can't pretend the thought of my sister getting engaged at a time in her life that would have been equivalent to me getting engaged two years ago is a humbling thought to say the least.

Not to say I don't love her and her boyfriend, he may read this post actually at least, but I know for a fact she won't unless he tells her that I mentioned them.

But I'll take the risk that she won't see this to say something genuine. My sister has changed a lot. Last night when I was talking to her was I think the first time where she really came across as a young adult. I heard growth in not only the things she said but the ways she viewed things.

I will say it did not add much maturity to the conversation that I was calling her to tell her about the shot ski and flip cup tournament I had participated in the day prior.

But hey, we're all about phases of life and figuring our shit out.

I will get where I need to be in due time and all the things that are encompassed to unfold with that shall come along at that time as well.

In the meanwhile you can find me attempting to chase happiness in forms of books, needle point and getting lost with my dogs.

What do you miss about a past version of you? Or what are you proud to have outgrown?

Let’s take a moment to think about where we started, where we’re at now and what the trajectory for our future is if this is the rate we keep going.

I’m hoping for semi-tattooed dog mom with caffeine addiction and a book that only my parents bought.

As always I appreciate you reading my nonsense.

Xoxo Mild Girl

Why I Travel Solo

For so long in my life I would create these lists of things I wanted to do with people. 

Whether that be with friends, family or significant others. So much anticipation would build up as I delved into the idea that these would be such ‘perfect experiences’. That’s a tendency of mine my mother has recently enlightened me on: thinking things need to go a certain way.

I felt like I could only do it if there were others around.

It started small with, “Oh this would be a great restaurant to go on a dinner date with” and soon manifested to "oh I can’t wait to travel here with ____”. 

I feel like we’ve all been in those group chats where someone will send a reel saying, “oh my gosh we need to go here” or “mob?” as the youths would so eloquently put it. But, as I’m sure you will agree, 9/10 nothing comes from that.

I choose to not live my life like that. To not have to coordinate with schedules, PTO and everything in-between.

Not to say you won't want to save a certain thing or place that you want to save to experience with that special person, but you also need to be aware of the reality of it. Why are you thinking about a trip you’re going to take with the love of your life when there’s currently not even someone you have any sort of romantic relationship with?

For so long in my life I would not do things exclusively due to the fact that there was someone I wanted to do them with.

Ex. I would drag my family to each opening night of the new Star Wars movies when they couldn’t have cared less. Now in this instance, it was fine because they went since it was important to me, but they couldn’t have given a rats ass about whether or not Ray listened to Kylo and went to the dark side (off-topic but did Disney really need to make that relationship romantic? The whole time there was this brother/sister dynamic with how Ray viewed Solo as a father and then they had to fuck it up with that ill-timed kiss)

I digress.

The thing with this is, I would not have gone had they not gone with me, and that was something I had been waiting months to come to theaters.

Which personally to me, as I look back on it, is unhealthy.

Several months ago, I was seeing this guy who would make a point of asking me to ‘wait’ to experience certain things because he wanted to do them with me. 

Now I think there’s a time and place for the ‘specialness’ associated with experiencing something with someone for the first time. But also, I think by pre-determining when a ‘special’ moment is, makes it a whole hell of a lot less special.

One thing I’ve realized on some of my solo trips is that there are things I do genuinely want to experience with other humans, and even though I will not put off doing certain activities and just living my life the way that maximizes my joy

Last week when I was trudging 8.9 miles through chest-deep freezing cold water in Zion National Park and I couldn’t help but notice all the couples also completing this hike. To give a visual on what this hike looks like, the entire time you’re walking through a ravine of varying depths in a narrow canyon, trying to not trip over rocks

All these couples had one another to lean on and support them on this venture, and I was just trying my best to not be swept off my feet by the current (but hey at least someone would be then). 

By doing this it’s made me realize the standards to set for what I want in life. 

I want someone who will go on hikes with me. I want to be ninety walking on a trail with the love of my life and are copious amounts of dogs

Also this is a time in my life where there are all sorts of things I get to experience as a single woman that I might not if I were on these excursions with another person, regardless of platonic or romantic in nature.

You know what I did last night? I went to a clothing optional hot tub at my communal living air bnb. It was me and a twenty-five year-old man from Texas and his friend, dick.

See what I did there?

Sitting there, in this vulnerable way with a complete stranger was honestly so empowering. Don’t get me wrong, the bottle of Barefoot Moscato I downed before getting into the tub also aided as a bit of an external form of encouragement.

It’s not about being naked with a stranger or the sexual tension you’re not entirely sure whether you’re making up or not. It’s the power of decision. Now don’t get me wrong depending on your relationship maybe you can or would still have an experience. But if I were in a relationship right now I probably still would’ve gone in the hot tub, but out of respect for my significant other I probably would have left when another single man came (especially a naked one).

But there’s also just a renowned openness to people, especially of the opposite sex when you are single. Not only are you not preoccupied or worried about coming across a certain way, but you (in my experience) tend to be more open to experiences.

I think we forget, especially as young people in the peak of our sexualness and wanting, that to be naked and flirting doesn’t have to directly result in sex. As I look back on my most recent adventure, the taste of the maintenance man still on my lips I really revel in this period of my life. For my entire stay at this air bnb we had multiple occasions that could have resulted in us in bed together. That didn’t happen. In all honesty there was a text I didn’t see last night where had I seen it, the narrative I’m writing now would probably be different.

But I didn’t and no sex was had. In all honesty, the situation was joked about the next morning over a cup of coffee. That being said, it’s neither right nor wrong that was our experience. For where my head is right now, I’m content with how that story ended. With a kiss goodbye and this mentality of ‘what could’ve been’, but perhaps that’s just the writer in me.

I don’t wish away a healthy, loving relationship, but at the same time I will not sit in solace and not take the time to appreciate this time in my life.

I find beauty in knowing that at this moment in time there is not a single person in this world that know where I am or what I’m doing, a lot of the times they don’t even know what state I’m in. One day I will have a significant other that is always aware, and not in an overwhelming way. But coming from a place of love and wanting to ensure my safety.

Last year when I drove cross-country during an extreme thunderstorm and flash-flood with limited service I had several missed calls from my then boyfriend because my trip took an extra four hours from detours.

That’s a love I haven’t felt in a long time.

Yes I have close friends that have my location and can check at their leisure, but no one is actively looking to check on my safety / that knows my itinerary.

My mom would if she could, but if I told her half of the shit I do she would’ve had a coronary by now.

So for the sake of my own sanity, I will continue to explore this beautiful world we live in on my own (and my dogs of course), until I come across the right person that I will allow to fully experience it with me.

As always thanks for reading lovelies, appreciate you all.

Xoxo Mild Girl

Communicating your Needs

Notice how the term ‘needs’ is capitalized - remember back in eighth grade when you were learning the rules of grammar and your english teacher explained that essentially to identify what you need to capitalize in a title is to just identify the important parts and go from there. Well, this is that. I am taking the very literal stance to signify that your needs are important.

What do you really need from a relationship? I’m not talking about want, need. 

Maybe you don’t need a person who is 6’5”, but also maybe you do because it helps to make you feel small or in your femininity. And maybe you need that (but I will also say as your friend from a mental health standpoint this is something that should be satisfied by yourself, but I won’t judge, we all have our insecurities.. Trust me). 

Let’s take this over from a different realm to the world of anxiety. Maybe you need someone who is a good communicator and will tell you if they’re unable to text for extended periods of time in advance, rather than someone who says, “sorry I was in meetings all day”. Not to say one is right or wrong, it’s all based on your *personal needs.

*I wanted to say preferences but I feel like it’s so much deeper than that

Here’s the thing though: you can communicate those needs to someone who doesn’t naturally fulfill them, BUT you have to really listen to not only their response, but their actions in regards to their response. If you tell a man that you need more from him, and he says he can’t give that to you: run for the hills.

I know, easier said than done.

But no they are not just going to suddenly change their mind and decide what they're capable of is different, and even if that is the case do you want someone who will compromise that part of themself or someone that will say they are capable of that from the getgo. I get there’s a part of the innate want to have a “man be different for you’ but do we as women really want these “fix me” projects? Or do we want someone that can deliver from the start and tell us they can give us what we want rather than us hoping they may someday become the person we think they can be.

You also need to be aware if someone says they can change and then continue to not only not change, but also not make an effort to do so. It’s one thing if you can tell they’re actively working on it, and another just saying words to appease you or avoid a tough conversation. I recently had a manager that would always tell me he was empathetic to my recent health situation. Because he said those words, I assumed he was. It wasn’t until months later of my own constant anxiety over work that I realized jusy because he said he was empathetic, doesn’t mean he was. Now I won’t speak for him and ultimately label this guy as either empathetic or not, but I’ll give you some facts.

As a side effect (early on) from chemo I experienced intense ‘chemo brain’. Basically the drugs that had been pumped into my blood stream had messed with the neurological function of my brain and I would genuinely forget that certain conversations ever took place. Including conversations with my manager in regards to training.

Now I understand the frustration of having to essentially ‘re-teach’ or ‘re-answer’ certain questions, we’ve all had that friend in the group chat that texts, “What’s the address of the bar?/What time are we getting there?” when it is quite literally a scroll up in the chat away.

(I won’t lie, I did that today)

And it’s annoying, I get it. You’re like, really? You couldn’t have taken the .002 seconds to figure it out yourself?

So yeah, fuck me for asking what day we were doing happy hour again, but when it comes to the chemo brain thing, I think I’ll give myself a pass here. You don’t have to, go ahead and chalk it up to me not being proactive enough, but if you know me, and i mean really know me: you know the kind of worker I am.

But enough about me and my maybe unempathetic manager.

Let’s get back to your Needs, the highlight of the article. Now I wanna preface that I’m primarily going to address needs a romantic context, but this applies to so much more: friends, family…. managers..

As my wise friend Taylor often reminds me, the beginning of the relationship is meant to be the easiest part. You’re excited, there’s no conflict and you still shave every time before sex.

So when he/she/they/them/it/muggles are already effecting your mental health/compromising your needs right off the bat, where do you really think it’s gonna go from there? If it’s early on in a relationship and you’re already making significant compromises then you need to take a real look at what you’re getting yourself into.

Something i saw on social media the other day with how we justify our mentalities in relationships really resonated. If a dog growled at you and bared it’s teeth.. Would you keep approaching it? Would you have this mentality, maybe I change it’s mind and it just doesn’t know me yet?

As someone who has pulled over for a lot of stray dogs, and I meant A LOT.

(Got a tetanus shot last month because I pulled a stray dog out of the road and it bit me)

So no, I don’t listen to my own advice and this translates to my dating life because I am chronically single and probably will continue to be so until I stop wasting my time on assholes. But hey, it gives you all some content to read about my mediocre love life, so I’ll take a win where I can.

Take a minute: what are your needs?

I’ll give you some of mine (this way you can hold me accountable if you see me with someone not fulfilling them):

I Need:

-someone who respects my relationship with the lord, they don’t have to agree, but never will I be with someone who belittles it

-someone who does not diminish my independence and not be turned off when I would sometimes rather go on a solo hike and disappear for a bit than go grab lunch

-someone who is not allergic to cats/dogs (unless he’s willing to take shots on the daily - we all know I live in an actual zoo)

Maybe your needs are as simple as wanting to spend a little more quality time with your partner, or maybe they’re a little more complicated because you need your boyfriend to up his game in the bedroom because you’re three years in and he still can’t identify where the clit is.

I had a conversation with my ex recently.

I feel like that sounds toxic, but it was very healthy in ways I can’t fully put into words: mostly because I don’t really care to.

Him and I reminisced on our relationship, not so much in an “i miss you way” but moreso an “I’m grateful to have had you in my life way”. Looking back there were needs of mine he couldn’t fulfill, and I’m sure that goes both ways. Which was a big part of why we are no longer together, had we clung onto the hope that we could maybe ‘change the other person’ that would have cause only animosity on both ends. Now instead of that we can talk and I still text him here and there to get vet advice from his mom.

I hope this gives you an opportunity to think about what it is you need right now and maybe even have that hard conversation to let that person know. Or maybe you just took a nasty shit and I am privileged enough to have been your electronic bathroom read, since no one (unfortunately) reads the paper anymore.

I hope this was a little more or at least equivalently enjoyable as mindlessly scrolling through TikTok (depending on your algorithm).

As always genuinely love and appreciate you for taking the time to read, skim, stare, whatever you did. Even if you hated it.. Get fucked I still stole some of your day and you have to ruminate in that now.

Stay mild my loves.

Xoxo Mild Girl