How to have a Good First Date

Notice how I said good. Not great. Not perfect. Good.

As someone who has gone on 60+ dates in the last six months, this is something I can confidently speak particularly well to.

*I also want to be clear that you can have a good first date, and at the end still decide you’re not into the person. There’s a statistic that within the first 15 seconds of meeting a person you conclude whether or not you find the other person attractive - it’s human nature. That’s not to say his humor or her humanitarian views

If you’re looking for a way to make them fall in love with you and become obsessed with you, you’ve come to the wrong place. Honestly, if you’re wanting that from a first date that a little concerning, in my (not so professional) opinion.

This isn’t a rom com. There’s no way (again, in my opinion) that you could fall in love on the first date. Yes there can absolutely be an instant attraction or vibe between the two of you, but you do not know a person after 3 hours at some local bar. I don’t care how many tequila sodas in you are.

This is all about how to make the best impression of yourself possible, not about pretending to be someone else or acting a certain way to interest them.

Because if they don’t like you as you are now, why the hell would they four months down the line?

I’m not saying spill all your dirty little secrets, I would know, I am a chronic oversharer.

I think the whole ‘have some mystery’ or ‘leave them wanting more’ has some validity, but i didn’t used to.

I also think it matters the way in which you go about it. I have been on both sides of that pasture: been the open book that will answer anything and then just last night I went on a date with a guy and pretty sure the only things he knows about me is that I’m from the Midwest and can jump a cue ball in pool like it’s nobody’s business.

To me, leaving a man wanting more isn’t about stringing them along or trying to make them desire you. It’s about guarding your heart. Your life is precious and sacred. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll spill all the beans to the ladies I gab with at the dog park. But this is different. The reason you are with this person right now is because you are both conducting an analysis to see if the other is compatible with what you want/need in life out of a partner.

That’s not something to be decided over night.

I think it’s totally valid to ask deep questions early on in the dating game, I myself do at times. But I also think it’s valid to answer that question with, “I would love to answer that, but I think I’d need to get to know you a little better first”.

How do you know which questions to answer and which ones to wait?

That’s completely up to you, we are all structured so very differently in what we hold near and dear to our hearts. 

For instance I think it’s healthy and honestly prefer to touch on past relationships on a first date because I think it’s a good pre-requisite to use as reference for what they are like in a relationship:

*How many relationships they’ve had

*How they talk about their ex

*What they’ve learned

*How often they’ve dated

Some people may be comfortable talking about intimacy or trauma on a first date, I personally like to wait to know a guy better before I get to that. But that comes from a place of A.) Not wanting to show vulnerability B.) Not being accepted and C.) The potential of a false sense of intimacy facilitated through a trauma bond.

But those are boundaries you need to determine for yourself, for some of you a past relationship may be a sore subject and not something you're prepared to go into on a first date.

Being pretty active in the dating world I’ve gotten to see a wide variety of men and the ways in which they interact with you and how they show interest (if they have it).

Last night for instance. We’re at a local bar, shooting the shit and playing some pool. In my mind, yes, I think this guys attractive. He had also been very proactively trying to make plans for over a week and sending me a monologue of his availability. To an extent I appreciate the effort, but I think there’s a fine line. 

And this line can be different for anyone.

Before our date he messaged me and asked for me to send him a ‘cute selfie’ so he could put it as his caller ID for my contact. Meanwhile, I haven’t even saved this guys number and had to double check his Hinge profile to make sure I actually knew his name.

And, contrary to popular belief, that’s not even coming from a place that I’m a ‘bad b*tch that don’t need no man’ (although this of course is true). There are two main reasonings for why I do this:

1. Self preservation

I never want to get too invested after some consistent texting and a couple good dates, because even with this you are still actively getting to know this person.

Yeah they may check every box you've addressed so far but maybe they got out of a three year relationship last week and are trying to rebound, or maybe they're still in it and just an absolute pig.

I have found myself at times too easily invested in something where I still don't have enough information to know if that person would make a good partner.

But that doesn’t mean there weren’t times that I wouldn’t fall into the habit of hoping that +1-(224) would pop up on my phone.

 2. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW THIS PERSON

*I don’t care how cute their pictures are on their profile, how many common interests you have between you two or even if they are waving green flags in the air like they just don’t care.

Cause chances are, they might not care.

Believe or not there are guys out there that do that absolute MOST on dates and give that strong ‘boyfriend behavior’ early on just because they like the rush of dopamine of earning your affection.

 Then once they have it, to quote a well-known, scientific prodigy:

I used to get so caught up in the romantic ideals of dating and how sweet a guy is on the first date. But odds are, if he’s doing that to you on the first date, when he doesn’t actually have enough context on who you are as a person to know if he is interested enough for it to become more than something casual, he’s probably doing that to most girls on the first date.

This guy from last night probably did and said all the right things on paper. Walking out he said, “Don’t you dare even think about touching that door” and then proceeded to push on the handle that said pull.

Thought that counts though.

Then walking me to my car he goes to run his fingers through my hair looks me in the eyes and thanks me for getting to spend the night with the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen.

LIKE HAVE YOU NOT SEEN NATALIE PORTMAN.

(he also didn’t know I was wearing a wig and luckily in that moment she decided it wasn’t the time to reveal that information)

My point is, yes these are nice things, and maybe I’m jaded in the romance department, but I want to feel the shift in when a man gets to know me and THEN has the desire to whisper those sweet nothings in my ear. 

Not just because I kicked his ass in pool and put him in his place.

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to feel wanted and honestly also feels pretty damn good when a guy is obviously very interested and you feel in total control. But that’s not how I choose to live my dating life.

Not to say there wasn’t a time where I just wanted any man I saw to be obsessed with me, but now 

Biggest road blocks on first dates:

1. Anxious/Nervous

Let’s take a look into the drivers of what makes you nervous for a first date.

What initially comes to mind are the following:

1. Worried they won’t like you back

2. Scared to open up/get hurt

They might not like you back. Just like how the dog you see walking downtown might not want to sniff your hand when you stick it out for them. While a definite hurt to the soul, we don’t let it stop us from doing the same thing to the next dog.

There will be people in this life that don’t like you. Just ask some of the people I went to high school with. Yeah I know you guys think I was a try hard, kiss ass and just plain weird. I was and still am all those things, and I am so okay with that. Not everyone in life are destined to get along. If that were the case there literally would not have been a single world war.

Here’s what I have to say about the second bullet: it’s a first date, they literally don’t have enough space inside your head to emotionally impact you like that yet. Sure it may bruise your ego if you want a second date and they don’t, but more often than not (if you choose to pay attention) you can see if the person is giving you signals as to whether or not they’re interested in seeing you again.

Being vulnerable and opening up to someone is something that intimidates me in relationships. I like to come across as this ‘sarcastic, cool girl’ who couldn’t care less if you stayed or went. 

But at the end of the day, if I am consistently seeing you and making time for you, you can bet your sweet ass I care. I have quite literally planned my 2024 out for most days until May.

Don’t believe me? Here’s a text from today:

The potential of hurt is what makes us feel and those emotions possible. It’s the difference of when you lose your childhood dog vs. the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.

Love is not solely a source of joy and happiness. It grounds us and give us something to live, die and fight for.

***Words from a hopeless romantic that has never been in love

1. Realize you’re not interested early on

"Oh fuck he doesn't think Hellen Keller is real and looks left his male patterned baldness off of his profile" or insert whatever -ick inducing scenario you'd like here.

Let’s not act like we’ve never gone over to a friend’s house to eat dinner and you hate what their having for dinner. Treat a first date that you’re not interested in like that. Thank them, hold your fork and at least try the meal.

Regardless of how boring or incompatible this person may seem to you, they took time out of their day to be there. Maybe they dressed up or made sure they had enough money that they could afford where you’re going.

You never have to see them again, but you don’t know what has happened to them leading up to that moment. The first date I went on post cancer, I’ll be honest, I was pretty out of the game. It was like pulling teeth to talk to me and I had a mental breakdown right before because I couldn’t get the fake eye lash to stay on, but the thought of showing up with no eyelashes (since all of mine had fallen off) was mortifying. 

To this day that guy has no idea I had cancer or that coffee date set the scene for me opening up to getting myself back out there. Had he commented on the eyelash or my lack of ‘rizz’ who knows how that would have affected me emotionally. Instead we talked for a couple hours, hugged goodbye and never saw each other again.

And that’s SO OKAY.

Also all of this goes out the window if ever someone is making you feel unsafe or being aggressive in any manner. Even if that’s not the case and you’re just uncomfortable you can always leave. There is literally nothing holding you back - even if you’re worried about the check, call the restaurant or bar later. I worked in food service, it will get figured out.

I usually go into a first date with a list of questions, one of which will spark some conversation and lead from tangent to tangent. As most conversations with strangers do.

A healthy reminder is to not put pressure on it. I assume all dates are going nowhere unless I am really pleasantly surprised by a guy. Not saying that’s the best way to go about it, but it works well for my mental.

As always thanks for reading and love you all.

Xoxo Mild Girl

P.S If you have a date coming up and have questions/used any of this to help you - let a gal know

P.P.S While I have been on a lot of dates, I am still single, so maybe just do the opposite of what I do.. although I'd like to think I'm just picky.

Lauren's 2023 Dating Wrapped

I know this is late, but better late than never. Right?

Unless it’s your period, then you’re probably better off just taking the plan B and moving on with your life.

Disclaimer:

‡I’d like to take a moment to note in this disclaimer that this article contains comedic and somewhat explicit details of my sexual endeavors. So if you’re related to me or have to look me in the eye at work - you’ve been warned.

Despite my love for Canva and all things graphic design, I decided this written, platform would be a better one to relay to you how my ‘love’ life went over the last twelve months.

*Noting 'love' is in parenthesis because I have yet to feel actual romantic love for another humane in my life, perhaps in 2024 (although I am doubtfully optimistic).

So here’s a look at my ‘love’ life the last year:

52 Dates

34 *First Dates

8 Smooches

7 Hookups

3 Ugly cries

1 Relationship

1 Situationship 

Obviously there is a direct correlation on if we kiss what happens next, so if you’re lucky enough to make it that far; to quote Effie Trinket: “the odds are ever in your favor”

Let’s take a minute to acknowledge that for 6 months I was in a hospital bed, so your girl was putting in some work.

I’m shooting about ¼ from the free throw line if you make it past the first date (if ya know what I mean). 

It’s sex, sex is what I mean.

Some will call that loose, some will call it prude, I call it whatever the fuck I want: life.

It’s a tough crowd out here in the dating world. Especially when some of y’all are out there being all happy and in love. My one friend just flew 1,698 miles for his three month anniversary.

Let’s read that again.

I don’t think my ex and I even celebrated our three months, let alone our 6, and we lived a 5 minute walk from each other. 

I guess what they say is true: “absence makes the heart grow fond AF” 

(may have slightly altered the way they say it because I’m so ~ hip ~ like all the youths).

Honestly I started the year out pretty strong, I was in a healthy, committed relationship that had been going nine months strong. Then, as some of you are so effervescently aware, I got the news that I have stage IV cancer. 

Before you ask, no, my ex-boyfriend did not break up with me because I was sick.

Honestly, slightly offended that’s where a lot of my friends heads first went when I told them he and I were no longer together.

Like just because I'm a cancer girl now it’s so hard to believe I initiated the breakup?

I actually made the choice to end the relationship because I didn’t see us ending up together and did not want to go through something as big as cancer with someone I wasn’t going to marry. 

My sex drive as well as my overall capacity for empathy had been somewhere else for a while, so in all honesty towards the end I wasn’t being a great partner, which also wasn’t fair to him. And if you know me, you know I strive for my empathy and act of service. So when I care about someone and am unable to deliver that, it’s really hard for me.

For months I had zero interest in getting out of bed, let alone getting ready for a date or the inevitable amount of conversation/effort that would ensue from said date.

But as time went on I needed a reason to want to get out of the house. So I redownloaded Hinge.

Honestly - getting back into dating after everything I went through was honestly really scary, and I’m the kind’ve person that books a sky diving trip without a second thought. In my younger years (because I feel old as shit) I used to struggle a lot with body dysmorphia and overall self-worth, and had finally found myself in a place where I loved who I was (both inside and out)...

... and then:

I had to shave my head because my hair started falling out in clumps everyday and anything I ate would instantly make me throw up. So yeah maybe I could put on a wig (on the days I was barely lucid), but try getting through a dinner date when just a bite of the breadstick at Olive Garden would send you into a vomit inducing episode.

Not to say that cancer patients aren’t beautiful, but it’s hard to feel all fun and flirty when you’re bloated because you haven’t shit in five days due to the chemo frying the nerve supply to your gut, making a movement nearly impossible despite the copious amounts of laxatives you take and inevitably throw right back up.

I still remember my first date post-diagnosis. I was still in the midst of my treatment, my head had been shaved for a few weeks and my eyelashes had just begun to fall out. 

Now I’ve never been a big makeup girl (a story my sister can corroborate), but mascara was the one cosmetic product I consistently used. Now I couldn’t even do that. So I had a bad wig, no eyelashes and the skin tone of a ghost (luckily my date was ginger).

My parents dropped me off at Condados Tacos because I was too physically weak to drive. 

I’m sure you’re wondering:

Why the hell was I going on a date anyway in that state?

I was still a human-being, not just that but a woman.

Not only did I want to feel wanted, but also desired a reason to get out of the house and talk to someone other than my mom or my dog.

Walking into that restaurant I didn’t know what to expect. Honestly a big part of me thought this guy would take one look at me and leave (which looking back was maybe a little bit dramatic). But when I saw him sitting there in Condados with a bouquet of flowers I wanted to cry. 

You may be surprised to learn that I’m a pretty emotional gal. I mask a lot of that with sarcastic remarks and little jabs, but deep down I’m a big bundle of feelings, just takes some time to see that side of me.

…Or 3-5 helpings of tequila…

But back to the date:

He didn’t know me or my story, honestly we had matched on Hinge and only exchanged a few messages. We talked for hours and the entire time I felt so comfortable with him, the both of us shared intimate details about our lives: the good, the bad and the ugly.

Something I hadn’t experienced with a man who was a platonic friend of mine in a long time.

When I inevitably told him I was currently battling cancer he asked me the most genuine questions, none out of his own self-interest or intentions for where we would go past this date, but rather out of genuine worry for my health.

Since then this is news I’ve had to share on a lot of dates. Although the vast majority were after I had finished treatment, which (I’m sure to your utmost surprise) is taken quite differently than someone who is still undergoing chemo.

I realized after dinner that I was 100% not in a place to be actively dating. The thing is though, as obvious a choice as that may have seemed, it was one I needed to make for myself.

Going out that night, it wasn’t about him. 

Despite him being a sweet guy and certified cutie. That date was so much more. Going out showed me that no matter what is going on in your life, there will be will people out there willing to show you love, regardless of what you’re going through.

I’ve had a lot of different reactions from men when I tell them about my recent remission. The most common is a high five, followed by “you’re good now right?”. Less out of a place of a genuine concern for my well-being and more of a “shit is this girl gonna croak in a week?”. 

Maybe I’m wrong on that interpretation, but I’d like to think I’m pretty good at reading people. Honestly, sometimes just to fuck with a guy I’ll tell him I only have a couple months left just to watch their pupils dilate a little. 

Of course I quickly set the record straight because I’m not THAT much of an insensitive bitch.

I’ll have you know I could be a lot more jaded than I am. Do you have any idea how many guys asked me on dates and were in the midst of making plans, but the second they saw my bald head on Instagram unmatched almost immediately? I’m talking cut it off cold turkey.

I get it. Not everyone wants to have to worry about their date's hair falling off when they’re hooking up, I'm not dumb.  

But I would never treat a man like that, and I literally think men are the worst. 

Once when I was seeing a guy and we were talking about the trajectory of our relationship, on the topic of red flags, he chose that to be the time he asked the likelihood of my cancer coming back.

Imagine you spend half a year trying not to die, beat the hell out of that shit, and some twenty-four year-old has the nerve to classify something that was completely out of your control as a ‘red flag’. 

No, him asking that was the red flag.

And I even get it too and sympathize. Who the hell knows how I would react if I was seeing a guy and shortly after found out he had cystic fibrosis or some other serious ailment, especially when you’ve never been around it.

Which is why communication is so important. I’m not afraid to turn a man down or communicate that he doesn’t meet the needs I'm looking for in a partner. Honestly, in my book ghosting is just childish and rude. 

But I think it also depends on the interactions you’ve had with the person, let’s be honest, if you only ever met them once for an hour and a half over coffee (in my opinion), no, you don’t owe them a text laying out why you’re not interested. But also I’m not going to say communicating with them would hurt, because if they’re a chronic over-thinker (like yours truly) they may waste so much of their time wondering what ‘they did’ - when in reality it just wasn’t a good fit.

I will say that’s one thing that I think has been beautiful about dating as a cancer survivor: you get to hear how prevalent it is and other people’s stories. 

One night this guy from Tinder came over with some wine and we sat at my kitchen table and talked for hours. Initially I hadn’t planned on mentioning my cancer - he was from Canada and only in the states for one more day. I’m not one to hide it, but also don’t wear it on my sleeve. It’s part of my story, not a personality trait.

But it came up that I had been in the hospital for a while and I decided to clear the air. After a moment of silence he takes off his hat, revealing a bald head, and says, “me too”.

At that moment I didn’t know how to respond. Now thinking back to it, that interaction brings me tears of joy and gratitude. Honestly before that moment it was a pretty average interaction and once we realized what we had both gone through it was like this wall was broken down. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t some ‘A Fault in Our Stars’ moment, but it was something I know we both found very special.

Moral of the story:

Dating sucks. It’s fun for a while, then you catch feelings, maybe you lose feelings or just end up confused. I was sure what I wanted for a while and now I’m back to wondering if that’s even accurate. 

But I know I’ll figure it out one of these days - and so will you most likely.

All in all I’m kind’ve tired and don’t want to write more (maybe I’ll add to this later on in the week).

As always, thank you for letting me waste a fraction of your Monday..

But also let’s be honest, what else were you going to do for the last six minutes? Go through TikTok? Bang out a quick one?

(ladies I wish we could do that in six minutes)

At least with this you can say you read something instead of mindlessly scrolling searching for the slightest hint of dopamine. As for the second, I don’t think I’m at the point where I can compare the quality of my writing to an orgasm - but maybe one day!

Xoxo Mild Girl

P.S Want to hear more about my own dating life/views on dating? Lmk in the comments or my DM's

P.S.S If you hated this also lmk, tell me what you want to read (or fuck off - either works)

Guide to Moving on: Rewriting your Narrative

Unless you’re one of those high school sweethearts that has been together since their sophomore year biology class when their teacher paired them up as lab partners; chances are at some point in your life you’ll have to get over someone.

Honestly this doesn’t even necessarily need to be in the romantic sense, I’ve gone through a couple friend break ups in my day. I can honestly say some of those were consistently harder to get over than the end of a relationship with a significant other.

First off, here’s what you need to realize:

Whether or not you were the one to initiate the ‘parting of ways’ you likely will go through a period of mourning over the relationship. Obviously there are exceptions to this, perhaps the other person was toxic or abusive and you’ve been needing to get out of that situation for a while. Even then, there are a lot of people who struggle with leaving partners that aren’t benefiting them in any facet of their lives.

Why is this?

I’m so glad you didn’t ask (seeing as I asked for you).

It is of my utmost professional opinion (as a serial dater and avid relationship podcast connoisseur) that in most cases it isn’t the actual person that you’re missing.

I would love nothing more in life to genuinely believe there was one person out there, handpicked by God, to be my forever companion.

But I am also a realist that is so avidly aware that there are over 13 billion people out there, most of whom I will never have the pleasure to meet. So in my head, to think that there is only one person I could ever end up with is a little naive.

Do you disagree? Power to you.

I have a deep love for differences in opinion. If we were all out here agreeing on everything all the time do you have any idea how boring life would be?

Maybe you are one of those people who looked across the room and thought to yourself, “I want her to be the mother of my children”.

In one way I think that’s beautiful.

In another, I think you need to go to therapy.

You can’t look at a person and automatically know their values. Were that the case, Ted Bundy would not have had the success in the murdering department that he did.

That’s not to say in a relationship it needs to be all sunshine and rainbows, I honestly believe a little conflict is healthy in a relationship. I know the movies love to make it seem that true connection is fostered by the way you both drink Blonde caramel white mocha chai double espresso hold the foam, extra whip capa-frappuccino, but there’s a little more to it than that. Aside from intaking your daily calories from an overpriced milkshake they somehow pass as coffee, a relationship is built on so much more than common interests. Sure that may make the first few dates a whole hell of a lot easier and aid in the whole ‘screening process’ but what really matters in a relationship is much more at the core level. 

Do you share the same values? 

I’m not a big believer that both people in a relationship need to conform to the same religion or vote for the same candidates on Election Day - but there are components of those things that can play a role in relationships. 

I think a democrat and republican can happily be romantically involved, but there are conditions to that. For instance there’s going to be a different impact on your relationship if what you disagree on is whether or not the average American should be able to purchase a heavy, assault weapon vs. what your moral opinions are on how you would handle an unplanned pregnancy. On one issue, sure there may be the basis of an argument where the two of you have differing sides, but the other is a serious conversation that directly affects the everyday life of both parties.

Same with religion. I for one have a burning passion for Jesus. My ex did not. 

BUT never once did he look down on my love of God. He actually found the relationship quite beautiful and it was something we could talk about very openly. It all depends where these views come from and the pillars that they have been built upon. While I do think there is something extremely attractive about a man with a strong love for the lord, I don’t put it in a ‘must have’ column when it comes to my romantic endeavors, not to say that will always be the case, but for where I’m at in my life right now I’m not ready to close that door.

A lot of times what you’re really mourning is the loss of where you thought the relationship was going. Maybe you weren’t even sure if it was actually going to become a relationship, but it still ended abruptly. It’s not about the person itself. I mean if we look at this logically: you broke up for a reason. On some level you (or the other person) wasn’t right/ready whatever the case may be. 

And why would you want to continue things with someone with that wasn’t right? When we have a pair of jeans that rip right along the ass crack we don’t say “Oh well” and walk around giving the world a free show of that thong you bought off the Victoria Secret panty bar back in 2018.

Sometimes it may be worth trying to sew the rip and give it another chance, but more often than not it’s not worth the hassle if the original tear was severe enough. Not to say we can’t deal with some material fraying, but a pair of Levi’s can only take us so far…

How I have gotten over romantic relationships:

1. No Contact

If you take away anything from this post please let it be this first item on the list.

• You may want to text them to see how they’re doing or if their dog is alive. Maybe you genuinely want to know the answers to those questions - but you lost the right to do that when you both agreed to no longer be a part of one another's life. Which is the fucked up things about phones, technology and how easily accessible we are. Thirty years ago we would have had to physically go to their house or call a person to do that. The ease of texting has made it so simple to take .003 seconds out of our day to send a message that will only elongate the process of moving on.

I am blessed to have the amazing people in my life that give me sage advice when it comes to these things. To quote my good friend Anna, who quoted some famous author that I don’t know at this time, “The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference”. You can be mad at your ex for cheating, leaving you or the fact that they never once remembered to put the toilet seat down, and while yes always those are valid sources of frustration, until you are genuinely indifferent to the person you’re not truly over it. Don’t get me wrong, every once in a blue moon I’ll text my ex or get a message from him checking in, but I think I can genuinely say for the both of us that neither do it out of a place of missing the other, but rather out of respect. It took a long time for us to get to that point, it was important we both establish that space and when it was healthy for us to both reconnect (platonically), not out of habit or a place of comfort, then we were able to have some sort of interaction with one another. Even though that relationship was something I chose to end, and I knew it was the right choice for me, it was hard to let go. For a long time he was my best friend. Not only did I owe a lot of happy memories to him, but he introduced me to one of my favorite little daily rituals: the coveted Wordle. As an avid lover of all things word games, it became our way of continuous contact even though we were no longer together. While we may not have been texting each other ‘I miss you’ or ‘I want you back’ we were falling into an unhealthy pattern. I’m not saying after having someone meaningful in your life that you never need to speak to them again, but in no circumstance do I think it’s healthy to maintain daily contact with an ex. No matter how mutual the breakup. Hell I don’t even text my mom everyday, and she quite literally is my favorite person on this Earth.

1. Identifying Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

• We’ve all done it. Checking their location on snap, looking through their comments/mutuals on social media; trying so desperately to figure out if they’ve moved on.

• Here’s what you have to realize: regardless of whether or not you're on their mind

you are not together... and there’s a reason for that.

Best practices for distancing yourself from unhealthy habits:

• Saving things I want to send them in a separate folder

• Writing out that text you want to send and then sending it to yourself

• Deleting old messages

• Letting go of the specific future plans you had with them

• Being aware of the things that bring them to your thoughts 

• Removing from certain social platforms

• Getting back out there (when you’re ready!!)

Some people are big proponents of the need to “get under someone to get over someone” (of course this all depends if you’re preferred a top or bottom). Hell, maybe we should reword the saying to say, “You have to get bent over the kitchen island to get over someone”. Perhaps that’s just wishful thinking. I do think there is validity to this, but it depends on the type of person you are. Some people aren’t capable of having emotionally unattached sex. Whereas personally, that’s some of my favorite kind of sex. When I care for someone I hold a lot less weight on my own experience, and more on their fragile ego. Whereas if I’m not emotionally invested in the connection and you don’t know where the clit is - I’ll make sure you know that I know that you don’t know. 

(In case you thought I was kidding)

This is your sex life we're talking about - not I spy. Advocate for yourself.

1. Rewriting the Narrative

• No matter how your relationship ended it’s pretty safe to say that you have at least a few fond memories of them. Whether it’s the butterflies you felt after the first date or the time they pulled you close in the rain and kissed you like a scene out of the Notebook. Maybe it was something smaller like the text they sent you in the middle of the day as a reminder they were thinking of you. Even if you hold anger or resentment towards your ex for whatever reason, at one point they were a source of happiness for you. 

• Last week I went and revisited the location of a first date with someone I had previously been involved with and thought may be my next serious relationship. Obviously we’re here and that did not happen. I hadn't planned to go there, I had actually gone to a different bar and when I was leaving realized it was across the street. Instead of being sad and going there to think about that night, I went to make a new memory. While I was there I enjoyed the live music, finished a book I’ve been meaning to and ended up texting the sexy bartender that looks like Thor's brunette cousin (you know the type - Jason Mamoa-esque). 

• Now when I go there I don’t have to be reminded of ‘what could’ve been’. Instead I am surrounding myself with what is.

How to get Closure:

Closure isn’t real. At least not in the sense we think it is. Closure doesn’t happen from someone listing out all the reasons they don’t want to be with you or assuring you that it’s a ‘them thing, not a you thing’.

The way you go about getting closure differs person to person, but there is one common thread. 

It is an intrinsic process.

Sure your ex-partner may be able to make it easier for you by being a dick or your friend sets you up and that poses as a distraction, but it is still a process that you yourself need to go through. Even with outside factors, no one can force you to move on.

Now I may be able to write all this and ‘talk the talk’, but that’s not to say I’m perfect. That I don’t still find myself falling into some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms I listed out earlier. Which is where time comes into play. Even if you’re the most sure of yourself person out there, no one can snap their fingers and completely be over someone. That, unfortunately, is not how human connection works. Rather we are biologically wired to crave love and attention. So when we lose that it’s hard, because the only scope we have is the lens of what we knew, it’s hard to lose something and automatically open ourselves up to the possibility of the future.

Which is the exact reason for the creation of cookie dough ice cream.

At the end of the day, moving on from anything is hard. I still cry when I think about my last dog that had to be suddenly put down because of a brain tumor. But if I still had him then I probably wouldn’t live in Arizona, I wouldn’t have the passion for saving dogs that I do and I wouldn’t have the zoo I call my home.

I am a huge believer that everything in this life happens for a reason. So whoever you equate this article to, they were in your life for a reason. Maybe they won’t be out of it forever, but there’s a reason they’re not in it now and the sooner you come to terms with that the better.

As always thank you for letting me waste your time, but let's be honest, did you really have anything better to do?

All my love to you little freaks <3

Xoxo Mild Girl