Notice how I said good. Not great. Not perfect. Good.
As someone who has gone on 60+ dates in the last six months, this is something I can confidently speak particularly well to.
*I also want to be clear that you can have a good first date, and at the end still decide you’re not into the person. There’s a statistic that within the first 15 seconds of meeting a person you conclude whether or not you find the other person attractive - it’s human nature. That’s not to say his humor or her humanitarian views
If you’re looking for a way to make them fall in love with you and become obsessed with you, you’ve come to the wrong place. Honestly, if you’re wanting that from a first date that a little concerning, in my (not so professional) opinion.
This isn’t a rom com. There’s no way (again, in my opinion) that you could fall in love on the first date. Yes there can absolutely be an instant attraction or vibe between the two of you, but you do not know a person after 3 hours at some local bar. I don’t care how many tequila sodas in you are.
This is all about how to make the best impression of yourself possible, not about pretending to be someone else or acting a certain way to interest them.
Because if they don’t like you as you are now, why the hell would they four months down the line?
I’m not saying spill all your dirty little secrets, I would know, I am a chronic oversharer.
I think the whole ‘have some mystery’ or ‘leave them wanting more’ has some validity, but i didn’t used to.
I also think it matters the way in which you go about it. I have been on both sides of that pasture: been the open book that will answer anything and then just last night I went on a date with a guy and pretty sure the only things he knows about me is that I’m from the Midwest and can jump a cue ball in pool like it’s nobody’s business.
To me, leaving a man wanting more isn’t about stringing them along or trying to make them desire you. It’s about guarding your heart. Your life is precious and sacred.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll spill all the beans to the ladies I gab with at the dog park. But this is different. The reason you are with this person right now is because you are both conducting an analysis to see if the other is compatible with what you want/need in life out of a partner.
That’s not something to be decided over night.
I think it’s totally valid to ask deep questions early on in the dating game, I myself do at times. But I also think it’s valid to answer that question with, “I would love to answer that, but I think I’d need to get to know you a little better first”.
How do you know which questions to answer and which ones to wait?
That’s completely up to you, we are all structured so very differently in what we hold near and dear to our hearts.
For instance I think it’s healthy and honestly prefer to touch on past relationships on a first date because I think it’s a good pre-requisite to use as reference for what they are like in a relationship:
*How many relationships they’ve had
*How they talk about their ex
*What they’ve learned
*How often they’ve dated
Some people may be comfortable talking about intimacy or trauma on a first date, I personally like to wait to know a guy better before I get to that. But that comes from a place of A.) Not wanting to show vulnerability B.) Not being accepted and C.) The potential of a false sense of intimacy facilitated through a trauma bond.
But those are boundaries you need to determine for yourself, for some of you a past relationship may be a sore subject and not something you're prepared to go into on a first date.
Being pretty active in the dating world I’ve gotten to see a wide variety of men and the ways in which they interact with you and how they show interest (if they have it).
Last night for instance. We’re at a local bar, shooting the shit and playing some pool. In my mind, yes, I think this guys attractive. He had also been very proactively trying to make plans for over a week and sending me a monologue of his availability. To an extent I appreciate the effort, but I think there’s a fine line.
And this line can be different for anyone.
Before our date he messaged me and asked for me to send him a ‘cute selfie’ so he could put it as his caller ID for my contact. Meanwhile, I haven’t even saved this guys number and had to double check his Hinge profile to make sure I actually knew his name.
And, contrary to popular belief, that’s not even coming from a place that I’m a ‘bad b*tch that don’t need no man’ (although this of course is true). There are two main reasonings for why I do this:
Self preservation
I never want to get too invested after some consistent texting and a couple good dates, because even with this you are still actively getting to know this person.
Yeah they may check every box you've addressed so far but maybe they got out of a three year relationship last week and are trying to rebound, or maybe they're still in it and just an absolute pig.
I have found myself at times too easily invested in something where I still don't have enough information to know if that person would make a good partner.
But that doesn’t mean there weren’t times that I wouldn’t fall into the habit of hoping that +1-(224) would pop up on my phone.
2. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW THIS PERSON
*I don’t care how cute their pictures are on their profile, how many common interests you have between you two or even if they are waving green flags in the air like they just don’t care.
Cause chances are, they might not care.
Believe or not there are guys out there that do that absolute MOST on dates and give that strong ‘boyfriend behavior’ early on just because they like the rush of dopamine of earning your affection.
Then once they have it, to quote a well-known, scientific prodigy:
I used to get so caught up in the romantic ideals of dating and how sweet a guy is on the first date. But odds are, if he’s doing that to you on the first date, when he doesn’t actually have enough context on who you are as a person to know if he is interested enough for it to become more than something casual, he’s probably doing that to most girls on the first date.
This guy from last night probably did and said all the right things on paper. Walking out he said, “Don’t you dare even think about touching that door” and then proceeded to push on the handle that said pull.
Thought that counts though.
Then walking me to my car he goes to run his fingers through my hair looks me in the eyes and thanks me for getting to spend the night with the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen.
LIKE HAVE YOU NOT SEEN NATALIE PORTMAN.
(he also didn’t know I was wearing a wig and luckily in that moment she decided it wasn’t the time to reveal that information)
My point is, yes these are nice things, and maybe I’m jaded in the romance department, but I want to feel the shift in when a man gets to know me and THEN has the desire to whisper those sweet nothings in my ear.
Not just because I kicked his ass in pool and put him in his place.
Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to feel wanted and honestly also feels pretty damn good when a guy is obviously very interested and you feel in total control. But that’s not how I choose to live my dating life.
Not to say there wasn’t a time where I just wanted any man I saw to be obsessed with me, but now
Biggest road blocks on first dates:
Anxious/Nervous
Let’s take a look into the drivers of what makes you nervous for a first date.
What initially comes to mind are the following:
Worried they won’t like you back
Scared to open up/get hurt
They might not like you back. Just like how the dog you see walking downtown might not want to sniff your hand when you stick it out for them. While a definite hurt to the soul, we don’t let it stop us from doing the same thing to the next dog.
There will be people in this life that don’t like you. Just ask some of the people I went to high school with. Yeah I know you guys think I was a try hard, kiss ass and just plain weird. I was and still am all those things, and I am so okay with that. Not everyone in life are destined to get along. If that were the case there literally would not have been a single world war.
Here’s what I have to say about the second bullet: it’s a first date, they literally don’t have enough space inside your head to emotionally impact you like that yet. Sure it may bruise your ego if you want a second date and they don’t, but more often than not (if you choose to pay attention) you can see if the person is giving you signals as to whether or not they’re interested in seeing you again.
Being vulnerable and opening up to someone is something that intimidates me in relationships. I like to come across as this ‘sarcastic, cool girl’ who couldn’t care less if you stayed or went.
But at the end of the day, if I am consistently seeing you and making time for you, you can bet your sweet ass I care. I have quite literally planned my 2024 out for most days until May.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a text from today:
The potential of hurt is what makes us feel and those emotions possible. It’s the difference of when you lose your childhood dog vs. the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Love is not solely a source of joy and happiness. It grounds us and give us something to live, die and fight for.
***Words from a hopeless romantic that has never been in love
Realize you’re not interested early on
"Oh fuck he doesn't think Hellen Keller is real and looks left his male patterned baldness off of his profile" or insert whatever -ick inducing scenario you'd like here.
Let’s not act like we’ve never gone over to a friend’s house to eat dinner and you hate what their having for dinner. Treat a first date that you’re not interested in like that. Thank them, hold your fork and at least try the meal.
Regardless of how boring or incompatible this person may seem to you, they took time out of their day to be there. Maybe they dressed up or made sure they had enough money that they could afford where you’re going.
You never have to see them again, but you don’t know what has happened to them leading up to that moment. The first date I went on post cancer, I’ll be honest, I was pretty out of the game. It was like pulling teeth to talk to me and I had a mental breakdown right before because I couldn’t get the fake eye lash to stay on, but the thought of showing up with no eyelashes (since all of mine had fallen off) was mortifying.
To this day that guy has no idea I had cancer or that coffee date set the scene for me opening up to getting myself back out there. Had he commented on the eyelash or my lack of ‘rizz’ who knows how that would have affected me emotionally. Instead we talked for a couple hours, hugged goodbye and never saw each other again.
And that’s SO OKAY.
Also all of this goes out the window if ever someone is making you feel unsafe or being aggressive in any manner. Even if that’s not the case and you’re just uncomfortable you can always leave. There is literally nothing holding you back - even if you’re worried about the check, call the restaurant or bar later. I worked in food service, it will get figured out.
I usually go into a first date with a list of questions, one of which will spark some conversation and lead from tangent to tangent. As most conversations with strangers do.
A healthy reminder is to not put pressure on it. I assume all dates are going nowhere unless I am really pleasantly surprised by a guy. Not saying that’s the best way to go about it, but it works well for my mental.
As always thanks for reading and love you all.
Xoxo Mild Girl
P.S If you have a date coming up and have questions/used any of this to help you - let a gal know
P.P.S While I have been on a lot of dates, I am still single, so maybe just do the opposite of what I do.. although I'd like to think I'm just picky.